Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

The last month and a half or so of my life has been a little crazy. There have been lots of changes. It’s been hard to update because my computer is sick and I never knew when it was going to crash on me. It’s gone through 3 hard drives in a week and a half. In the short 9 months I have had it I have also had to have the battery and heat sink replaced. I’m tired of it breaking!!! It’s currently at the depot getting fixed and I am back to using the parental’s computer until it is back in my hands or until they send me a new one because mine’s a lemon. Anyway, back to the real update.

Back in September I applied for a job where I would work at a kid’s camp all summer. It looked promising. I had an interview in southern California and things looked pretty good. I was excited. Then I was notified I was on the waiting list. Boo, but I still had hope. I was asked if they could use my application for other jobs that may come up. Agreeing, I didn’t see any real hope and was still waiting until April 30th when the deadline for hearing if I made it off the waitlist was. However, a couple days after they sent out my application-about 2 weeks ago- I was sent an email asking me to apply for a job at a camp in New Mexico. Sure, why not? I filled it out, got some references, and sent it in. Thursday night I got a call from a very nice, southern gentleman who wanted to talk to me about the job. I talked to him on Friday and he was looking for a time very soon he could interview me. He took the words “whenever is good for you is good for me” right to heart and said “Ok, I will call you in an hour for your interview”. The interview went great and I was hired on the spot. I leave May 18th for Glorieta, New Mexico. I will be working the front desk at a huge southern Baptist camp. It will be a huge adjustment but I am really excited.

When I get back in mid August I will be around for a few weeks and then be moving to Riverside, CA. Yup, I will be attending Cal Baptist in the fall. If you’ve ever heard me talk about CBU, you’re probably really confused. I’ve had to get over my hating CBU. Not getting classes at SFSU was SO discouraging but knowing that I will get all of my classes at CBU is relaxing feeling. The nursing program there is incredible!!! The only one in CA that can compare with the simulators and other amazing technology is Stanford, and let’s face it; I’m never getting in there. As much as I once disliked CBU it seemed more and more like a perfect option. The nursing program isn’t impacted and I am guaranteed a spot in. Just so you know that’s HUGE! Finding a school that doesn’t have an impacted nursing program in this country is hard work. The ones I found were in Wisconsin, Montana, and Idaho, which are not places I really want to go live. I still have my concerns about CBU but it just seems like the right choice.

So, my life has drastically changed within the last month. It will be new, exciting, and a little scary. I am excited to see where my new adventures take me.

Kind of Like a 5 year Anniversary...

March 8, 2004 was a day that I truly believe changed my life. It was 5 years ago when I woke up with my headache. I cannot believe it has been 5 years. I so vividly remember what I did the day and weekend before. Before that day, I do not really remember ever having a headache, so it is weird for me to say I have had the same one for such a long period of time.

Before that day in March, I remember being a different kind of person. A person who thought she was fearless; who thought she had everything for her life all figured out. Little did I know, I would find many things I would be afraid of and that the plans for my life would turn out nothing like I expected. As much as I would have liked my plans to have worked, I know life just does not work like that most of the time. I still wish I could have really gotten to know a Kelli who was so strong and confident though. I could tell you story after story about how I struggled physically, mentally emotionally, and spiritually.

When I tell my stories of what I have gone through, I really try to have a good attitude and make some silly comments about it. As hard as it is for me to be happy about having been in constant pain, I realize that I am incredibly lucky that I am otherwise a healthy girl. Even though, I am moved from doctor to doctor because no one wants to deal with something they cannot figure out, I know I am blessed because they know of no real illness that I have.

Though these past 5 years have been as hard as they have, I will continue to go through life proud of each little accomplishment I have made along the way. To you, my accomplishments may be nothing, but to me they are what make me take my next steps to continue through my journey. I understand that I may live with this headache for the rest of my life, but I will not give up. The moment I give up, I think I really will have it forever. I will keep being a burden on doctors until they give me an answer other than them just not knowing.

More Confused Than A Chameleon in A Bag Of Skittles

I am so tired of doing research online to find a school to go to. It is so frustrating. Although there is a severe lack of nurses in our country, finding a school that is not impacted is nearly impossible. State schools pretty much all have the same policy, approximately 200 students apply and 60 are accepted into the nursing program. Not odds I like. I was told if I don’t have straight A’s that I should not even apply. Great. I’ve been looking for schools that are not impacted and where I will be guaranteed to get the classes I need. I feel like I am searching for the impossible. I know they exist, I just can’t find one that works for me.

However, I have found one. A school that gives me the stability I am looking for as well as a clinical lab that is the top in the state. I know I would get an excellent education there. I am still unsure of going there. It is a school that I have never wanted to go to. It would take some sacrifices to go there, but, like I said, it would give me stability and an excellent education. I really just do not know what to do though.

Taking a Break

My first semester in college was great. Even though I think SF State was wonderful, I am not attending this semester. In fact, I’m not sure I will attend there again. I can still tell you why I love SFSU (the crisp air, the diversity, the uniqueness, that fact I can find a cup of coffee almost anywhere, the list goes on and on), however, it is not giving me what I need. I was only able to get 1 of the classes I needed this semester. I would have been taking a bunch of dumb filler classes just to take classes. As a nursing student at SFSU you are supposed to work very hard to finish your prerequisites in your first two years. For me, after one whole year, I would only have completed one. Meaning it would be impossible to finish within in the 2 years. So because of this, I have decided to take the semester off and save the money. I am currently looking at different schools with a nursing program that gives me a little more stability than any state school will. I will be attending school in the fall, I just do not know where yet.

The Man I Never Knew

December 15, 1997 was the one of the first times I experienced real pain. I am not talking about stubbing my toe or even breaking my arm, pain that is more normal for a seven year old girl. This was losing your breath, stomach churning, heart wrenching pain. This was the day that my friend, my hero, my grandpa died. This was the worst pain I had felt in my short life.

Summer of ’97 we learned he was very sick. We soon enough found out it was even more serious than we thought. Stage 4 lung cancer. He went through treatment. He lost his hair, his voice, and little parts of him that made him “him”. On the way home from my cousin’s house one weekend, I was told there was nothing more the doctors could do. That my grandpa was going to die not matter what. Don’t get me wrong. This pain was bad too. However, the pain didn’t seem really and truly real until he was really gone.

Until this point I don’t think I really understood what death was. I didn’t really want to find out either. When it came though, it felt like a bus hit me. My small little head could not comprehend what was going on. To my young eyes, the world seemed to be crashing down. It seemed it should be ending. Despite what I thought, the world continued. It did not wait for my little mind to catch up. It did not show me that everything was going to be ok. It just kept on going.
I remember being angry for a very long time. Maybe I still am. I hate that I was not able to really get to know such a wonderful man; someone I truly admired. I was bitter and upset. I would pretend I was fine and everything was ok. It just seemed easier to do that. The anger and resentment was stored in my heart for a very long time. I think I just recently have started to get rid of it.

From what I am told I am a lot like my grandfather. I love hearing that. I think I got my love for music from him. He loved music. He loved to sing and did it whenever he could. I am told that I have a sense of humor that was like his. He must have been hilarious! He loved to have fun and play games. He loved to travel and experience new things.

While I only knew him for a few short years, I am so thankful for those ones. I have some wonderful memories of him that I would not trade for anything. One time when I spent the night at his house, I must have been making lots of noise when I should have been sleeping. I was in a room all alone and I remember him coming in. He started singing to calm me down and make me go to sleep. I love this memory. It is mine; not one I have to share with anyone.

I wish I had more time to get to know what a wonderful man he was. I wish he could have gotten to know me too. Hear me sing, listen to my jokes, and experience something new with me. I think he would have really like me.

Looking From A New Angle

Before, I could have told you at least a million different reasons why I disliked it so much. I was not interested, never had been and thought I never would be. I am slowly-very slowly- realizing it might not be as bad as I once thought. I hate that I am beginning to soften up to the idea of it. In all reality, it could give me everything I need. It would make me feel secure. Am I willing to put aside the rest of my feelings of disgust and “just go for it”? I am not sure. I am trying to be open; trying to see all the wonderful possibilities that could come along from it.

What Would You Do?

My heart is torn. I am so unsure of what to do. I have a friend, who along with me is supposed to be somewhat of a mentor to younger kids. They put on a good act. They say what seems to be right. When we say goodbye to the kiddos, everything that they said goes out the door. The things they told the younger ones not to do it exactly what they go and do. Hypocrite. I usually sit and listen and by the end of the night I am so frustrated that I feel sick. I do not understand how someone can be so hypocritical. It makes me angry that they have authority over these kids. This person has also befriended another younger person. They are not in charge of this one anymore. They have told the younger one all the bad choices they make. All of them; in detail. It breaks my heart to see this happening.

This person used to be a close friend of mine until they deceived me. I watched them do it to other people, but because we were such good friends I would not believe it would happen to me. It did. We still talk, but I do not think I can trust this person they way I once did.

If I told the person who is in charge of us leaders this was going on I might not feel so angry and sick. I might be good to inform him what is going on. However, any friendship that is left with this person would be gone. How can I betray them? But how can I leave things the way they are?