What Do I Know Of Holy?

HOLY: exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.

I know nothing about being this. I am far from goodness OR righteousness. I'll be the first to admit my life has been far, very far from perfection. I recognize that it will never be perfect. As amazing as it would be to have a perfect life, I'm am completely OK with it not being that way. It allows me to find myself. It allows me to grasp the little I can of what being holy really and truly is. It allows to passionately seek the one who is holy.

Inspired by "What do I know of Holy?'

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

-Addison Road

Another Home

I really have a lot to write about. Between finals, packing my apartment, leaving Riverside, being home for a week, and going to New Mexico, my life has seemed like a giant whirlwind. Let’s start with being back in New Mexico. I am once again working in Glorieta, Nm for the summer. Really, there is no place like it anywhere. I never get tired of seeing the majestic mountains or sunsets. The rain and thunder storms are amazing and never cease to amaze me. I’m back with many of the full time staff and even other summer staffers that I grew to love last year. I was welcomed back immediately by my little 5 year old friend who knew exactly who I was. She knew she could count on me to let her color in my coloring book or play with her just about any time.

When I’m here, I feel so good. Good about who I am and what I’m doing in life. I feel connected to this place. In a weird way, I feel like I’m home. No matter how long it’s been since my last visit I will be welcomed back with open arms. I’m so comfortable here. I know the grounds, I know who to call if I have a problem, I know that I will always be taken care of here. Even though I am nowhere close to my actual home or family, being here just feels right.

Needin' Some Z's

It’s 1:40 in the morning, why can’t I go to sleep? The sound of the train and my fan should be lulling me to sleep and somehow I’m still wide freaking awake. Not being able to go to sleep is so frustrating. I’ve listened to music and read; things that usually help me go to sleep, but they are just aiding the insomnia tonight. I guess I know what’s keeping me awake, the stress and incredibly uneasy feeling I’ve had is finally catching up to me. Being uneasy and not at peace with life is probably one of the most disturbing feelings. At first I noticed it was on my mind a lot more. Then it was in my thoughts a little bit more. Now, I can’t think of anything but it. I’m just not comfortable with the decision. Not only is it internally painful, but now it’s keeping me awake. Awesome. Tough decisions need to be made and feelings may be hurt, both which are things I generally try to avoid at all costs. Ugh. When it’s done, the weight inside me will be lifted and I will finally be able to catch some Z’s.

Fear of Losing It

Needless to say, I have been pretty horrible at blogging lately. My love for writing has not changed, it’s just every time I go to write the thoughts that overflow my mind I am not ready to put to paper yet. I feel like things are real once they are there for the world to see. I need to push through the “writer’s block” and keep going. Just a little at a time. I fear if I stop that I may lose my love for writing. I will lose a part of who I am. So, with that said, more blogs are soon to come.

The Edge

With my heart pounding and tears streaming down my face I step to the edge. I get as close to the edge as I possibly can. My toes are curled over trying to see if it’s safe. It’s definitely not. I look for you, and yet, you are nowhere to be found. You said you would be here. I look as far down as I can without falling off, where are you? Should I still go even though I don’t see you? Wiping the tears from my eyes, I begin to back up slowly. I hear you. You’re somewhere but I still cannot see you. It’s hard to hear you with the air rushing past my cheeks. “Go ahead,” you say. I step up to the edge and look for you. I still cannot find you but in the stillness of the wind I can hear your voice. “Jump.” My heart is beating faster and I am frustrated that I can’t see you. I hear your soft voice again “go ahead, jump. I will catch you.” I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I have so much to gain, but everything to lose. I bend my knees and go for it. I JUMP.

Honestly...

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake. I was given an incredible opportunity to be an intern at the camp that I fell in love with over the summer. I accepted and then had to decline because it didn’t work out with school. I was upset but knew I had to do it. I returned back home and two short weeks later, moved to Riverside for school. It’s not that I don’t like it here, but sometimes I feel like missed out. I love it here, especially my roommates and friends. They are amazing and I couldn’t ask for better people to have in my life in SoCal. I really am so glad I am here, however, there is still that void in my heart though. I’m so thankful that because of my decline that my roommate Kira got the job. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I think I did the right thing, but the empty part of heart makes me wonder.

'09 Recap

2009 was one of my most challenging years. It started off rough right away. Unfortunate events from 2008 seemed to be putting a hold on anything wonderful that would come with the New Year. I made some very big changes in my life in 2009. I quit going to San Francisco State. I loved the school and atmosphere but nursing was going to be impossible there. I took a semester off school to save money on wasted classes and try to get my life together again. It was one of the most painful times of my life. As agonizing as dealing with life was I knew I could not give up. I searched for new schools and somewhere to begin a fresh start. Summer job applications looked promising and then fell through. Then I was offered a job at a camp in New Mexico. Working and living there is one of the highlights of my life. It is so hard to put into words what and amazing experience it was. I lived on my own for the first time, in a different state nonetheless. I had my first roommate, Kira. I was blessed that she was so awesome and that we got along so well. I had an amazing summer and the most amazing experience of my life. In New Mexico I was able to remember who I am. I really began making moves in my life that seemed like me again. After I got back from New Mexico I moved to Riverside, Ca. Not as glamorous as living at the end of the Rocky Mountains. I began my life as a pre-nursing major where I never ever thought I would even consider going to school, Cal Baptist. It was a rough start with my apartment and whatnot but it all worked out. I now live in a small apartment with 4 amazing girls. I am so lucky to once again have roommates that are so amazing. They seem to get my quirks and even have just as many of their own. I love that they can handle my sense of humor and definitely give me a run for my money. 2009 was an incredibly hard and trying year. Even though there were so many rough points, things like New Mexico seemed to make it so much better. I hope 2010 isn’t as difficult as ’09 but know the small things will make it all worth it. Here we go 2010…