Fail

It’s 12:30am. I’m up studying for a dooming final I have in the morning. As frustrated and tired as I am that this information isn’t sticking to my brain like it should, all I can think about it writing this blog. I’ve never wanted anything more and I am scared to death I am going to mess up or not do well enough and fail. Epically fail. It’s a realistic thought and it scares me to my very core. If you were to ask me how I really felt I might tell you I was nervous or scared but I don’t think I can get across how truly terrified I am that my dream will shatter. I feel like I have worked hard. So hard. I feel like I deserve it. I may not be the smartest but I have the passion. The drive. The dream. It’s what was meant for me and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me. The worst part, there is nothing more I can really do. Ok, now that that is off my chest, I need to finish studying for my microbiology final. Peace

70 People picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives changed...

Summer is over and school is in session once again. No more beach days, pool parties, or vacations. My summer consisted of none of those, and yet it was the best summer of my life.

You can read from previous posts that I was hired to work at Glorieta Conference Center. I spent my whole summer in the tiny town Glorieta, NM (about 15mins outside of Santa Fe). I left mid May and came back 3 months later in mid August. I knew I was going to be working the front desk but didn’t really even know all what I would be doing at the front desk, let alone know what kind of people I would meet, or really anything else.

I was picked up from the Albuquerque airport by the couple in charge of all the summer staff. I had never met them or talked to them. I only know he was tall and had brown hair and glasses and she had brown hair. I was scared to death of how it was all going to work. I felt like I was on MTV’s The Real World.

Needless to say, everything worked out perfectly. I was one of about 70 college students working on Highpoint, Glorieta’s summer staff. Every person on summer staff was so unique from the next. I loved each person there for a different reason. There was always someone in our lobby to hang out with or talk to. We were together in this journey.

Explaining how amazing this summer was is impossible to put into words. My life was changed in so many ways. I had my first roommate, lived on my own for the first time, lived in a new state, and was surrounded with complete strangers. Those strangers became my family. Together we had Christmas in July, Encouragement Week, Western Night, and a staff banquet. We took care of each other like a family. Micki (the lady who picked me up from the airport), took me to emergency without hesitation when I broke my foot. When we were excited we had people to share our joy with. When we had a hard day at work we had people to share our frustrations with. Day or night, we were there for each other.

This summer I met some of the most incredible people I have ever met in my whole life. They changed my life. Some of them I may never talk to again, but there are also some that I will be friends with forever.

Sticks, Stones, and Benches?

This is how it happened: I decided to bungee jump over the Indian Ocean. When the helicopter door opened and it was time for me to jump out, all the pressure pushed me towards the door and I hit my foot on the way out. Minus the excruciating pain, it was wonderful. So beautiful. When I got back into the helicopter my foot was black, blue, and very swollen. I had defiantly broken it. Ok, so maybe that’s not the real story, but it is way more exciting than how I really did break my foot.

The real story: My roommate asked for something while she was in the shower. I hopped out of bed to get it off the shelf for her. I, still being a pretty groggy, didn’t pull our bench out far enough so I could stand on it. Instead, when I went to step up on it my foot wasn’t secure and I fell, basically crushing my foot. It’s broken in several places and I have a sprained ankle. What a combination, huh?

For now, I do not need surgery, but they are going to reevaluate that in about 2 weeks. I just have to try and stay off of it so it can heal. Me, be still? HA! I also have to get help with just about everything. I need rides to work, someone to carry my meal tray, and someone to help me open doors. I hate asking for help, and right now that seems to be my life, always asking if someone can help me. They say they don’t mind, but I still feel like I’m bothering them. There’s not much I can do about it though, I really do need their help.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

The last month and a half or so of my life has been a little crazy. There have been lots of changes. It’s been hard to update because my computer is sick and I never knew when it was going to crash on me. It’s gone through 3 hard drives in a week and a half. In the short 9 months I have had it I have also had to have the battery and heat sink replaced. I’m tired of it breaking!!! It’s currently at the depot getting fixed and I am back to using the parental’s computer until it is back in my hands or until they send me a new one because mine’s a lemon. Anyway, back to the real update.

Back in September I applied for a job where I would work at a kid’s camp all summer. It looked promising. I had an interview in southern California and things looked pretty good. I was excited. Then I was notified I was on the waiting list. Boo, but I still had hope. I was asked if they could use my application for other jobs that may come up. Agreeing, I didn’t see any real hope and was still waiting until April 30th when the deadline for hearing if I made it off the waitlist was. However, a couple days after they sent out my application-about 2 weeks ago- I was sent an email asking me to apply for a job at a camp in New Mexico. Sure, why not? I filled it out, got some references, and sent it in. Thursday night I got a call from a very nice, southern gentleman who wanted to talk to me about the job. I talked to him on Friday and he was looking for a time very soon he could interview me. He took the words “whenever is good for you is good for me” right to heart and said “Ok, I will call you in an hour for your interview”. The interview went great and I was hired on the spot. I leave May 18th for Glorieta, New Mexico. I will be working the front desk at a huge southern Baptist camp. It will be a huge adjustment but I am really excited.

When I get back in mid August I will be around for a few weeks and then be moving to Riverside, CA. Yup, I will be attending Cal Baptist in the fall. If you’ve ever heard me talk about CBU, you’re probably really confused. I’ve had to get over my hating CBU. Not getting classes at SFSU was SO discouraging but knowing that I will get all of my classes at CBU is relaxing feeling. The nursing program there is incredible!!! The only one in CA that can compare with the simulators and other amazing technology is Stanford, and let’s face it; I’m never getting in there. As much as I once disliked CBU it seemed more and more like a perfect option. The nursing program isn’t impacted and I am guaranteed a spot in. Just so you know that’s HUGE! Finding a school that doesn’t have an impacted nursing program in this country is hard work. The ones I found were in Wisconsin, Montana, and Idaho, which are not places I really want to go live. I still have my concerns about CBU but it just seems like the right choice.

So, my life has drastically changed within the last month. It will be new, exciting, and a little scary. I am excited to see where my new adventures take me.

Kind of Like a 5 year Anniversary...

March 8, 2004 was a day that I truly believe changed my life. It was 5 years ago when I woke up with my headache. I cannot believe it has been 5 years. I so vividly remember what I did the day and weekend before. Before that day, I do not really remember ever having a headache, so it is weird for me to say I have had the same one for such a long period of time.

Before that day in March, I remember being a different kind of person. A person who thought she was fearless; who thought she had everything for her life all figured out. Little did I know, I would find many things I would be afraid of and that the plans for my life would turn out nothing like I expected. As much as I would have liked my plans to have worked, I know life just does not work like that most of the time. I still wish I could have really gotten to know a Kelli who was so strong and confident though. I could tell you story after story about how I struggled physically, mentally emotionally, and spiritually.

When I tell my stories of what I have gone through, I really try to have a good attitude and make some silly comments about it. As hard as it is for me to be happy about having been in constant pain, I realize that I am incredibly lucky that I am otherwise a healthy girl. Even though, I am moved from doctor to doctor because no one wants to deal with something they cannot figure out, I know I am blessed because they know of no real illness that I have.

Though these past 5 years have been as hard as they have, I will continue to go through life proud of each little accomplishment I have made along the way. To you, my accomplishments may be nothing, but to me they are what make me take my next steps to continue through my journey. I understand that I may live with this headache for the rest of my life, but I will not give up. The moment I give up, I think I really will have it forever. I will keep being a burden on doctors until they give me an answer other than them just not knowing.

More Confused Than A Chameleon in A Bag Of Skittles

I am so tired of doing research online to find a school to go to. It is so frustrating. Although there is a severe lack of nurses in our country, finding a school that is not impacted is nearly impossible. State schools pretty much all have the same policy, approximately 200 students apply and 60 are accepted into the nursing program. Not odds I like. I was told if I don’t have straight A’s that I should not even apply. Great. I’ve been looking for schools that are not impacted and where I will be guaranteed to get the classes I need. I feel like I am searching for the impossible. I know they exist, I just can’t find one that works for me.

However, I have found one. A school that gives me the stability I am looking for as well as a clinical lab that is the top in the state. I know I would get an excellent education there. I am still unsure of going there. It is a school that I have never wanted to go to. It would take some sacrifices to go there, but, like I said, it would give me stability and an excellent education. I really just do not know what to do though.

Taking a Break

My first semester in college was great. Even though I think SF State was wonderful, I am not attending this semester. In fact, I’m not sure I will attend there again. I can still tell you why I love SFSU (the crisp air, the diversity, the uniqueness, that fact I can find a cup of coffee almost anywhere, the list goes on and on), however, it is not giving me what I need. I was only able to get 1 of the classes I needed this semester. I would have been taking a bunch of dumb filler classes just to take classes. As a nursing student at SFSU you are supposed to work very hard to finish your prerequisites in your first two years. For me, after one whole year, I would only have completed one. Meaning it would be impossible to finish within in the 2 years. So because of this, I have decided to take the semester off and save the money. I am currently looking at different schools with a nursing program that gives me a little more stability than any state school will. I will be attending school in the fall, I just do not know where yet.