In Love.

I knew my life would be different after my time in South Asia. I knew the Lord would show, teach, and have me experience things I never could have imagined. I’m not exactly sure how to put that all into words yet though, but I’m working on it. What I am sure of though, is that the moment I stepped outside of the airport- sick to my stomach, hot, smelly air, flies and stray dogs everywhere- my life and my heart were changed. Not a day, or even more than a couple hours goes by that I don’t long for South Asia. My heart felt right there. I fell in love with the culture and especially with the people. I fell in love with telling people who live in such darkness about the only true hope, hope they’ve never even heard of.

We Are Family

When I took the prerequisite courses to get into the nursing program here at CBU, I knew it was only a small chapter in the journey to becoming a nurse.  Ever since that chapter closed, the next chapters have been the ones to shape me more than I ever thought possible.  I have had moments that I have felt such defeat and others where I felt an overwhelming sense of triumph. I am blessed to have many cheerleaders along the way in my journey to share with me in these moments.  However, no one can understand better than the people who are along in the journey with me.

Together we started this journey a year and a half ago, and somehow we have become a family. Especially since my family is so far, these are the people I go to, who “get” me.  I still have wonderful other friends whom I love fiercely, but there is just something about my nursing family.  These are the girls I go to when I feel defeated; when I think I can’t do this anymore.  They listen to the familiarity of my words as they have felt those feelings and experienced the heartache too. They are “my girls” (and some of my boys too). Just like a family, you go to different people for different needs. Specifically two of my girls, are some of my biggest encouragers. Whenever I feel inadequate to do this job, one quickly reminds me by saying, “you’re in this program for a reason.”  The other listens to me while telling me what a great nurse I'm going to be, and then distracts me from my frustrations. I can go to them in those moments and we can both be completely transparent. I am incredibly blessed to have them by my side.

Together these girls and I have been through some crazy things. We have literally worked through blood, sweat, and tears together. They see me at my most tired, crankiest, silliest, most stressed out self, and they love me anyway. We can cry and laugh together. We are halfway done with this program, and I am so thankful they are the ones next to me for the second half.

Let's try again

There’s something about blogging that just soothes my soul. Honestly sometimes I just don’t feel like I
have time for it when I don’t do all the other things I “need” to do or that “those”
feelings are not valid enough to share. Really though, I need to make time and
those feelings need to come out. So…Here I am, going to attempt to be better at
this….again

That Time of the Semester

I feel like I always hit this spot in the semester. It's that part where you're not sure you're gonna make it out the other side alive. That part of the semester where I would give anything to be home just for a couple hours to soak in my family and some good home cookin'. It's that time of the semester where I get too overwhelmed that my short coping mechanism walks turn into hours to de-stress. That part where I start to shut down and need the love and support of my family and friends to keep moving. I'm tired. I feel like I don't have time to do all the things I NEED to do (forget about what I want to do). Yet, I know that the part where I see light at the end of this dark semester is right around the corner.

The Hardest Place to Be

I left Glorieta a month ago, and as much as I hate it, life is back to being in the fast lane. Before I go forth with my whole summer update and what not, here is what’s going on in my life as of right now.

5 weeks ago you could’ve seen me without fail sitting outside my room at Glorieta in an old chair, looking at the mountains, reading the Word, and spending time with Him. I came to a point in my life where I was so confused about my life that every spare moment was consumed with trying to figure it out. I utterly needed to hear from Him and what His plans were for my life. I thought I wasn’t supposed to be a nurse after all. I came to the conclusion of, how could everything that lead up to being in a nursing program have been so difficult if that was what I was supposed to be doing? How could my first semester be perhaps the most trying, hardest 4 months of my life? To me, it clicked. Obviously, God’s will wouldn’t included me fighting to get in, and fighting to stay afloat once I was there. Someone told me that sometimes that’s what happens sometimes when you’re doing His will. I completely blew it off, because my “plan b” sounded SO good. I was to the point where returning to Riverside to continue made me want to puke. I was done with nursing.

I talked to my friends at Glorieta and nursing kept coming up. One of the groups had a giant heart in the auditorium and I decided to draw and label it (I’m a freak, I know). Even though I tried to run away from it, I was still interested in it. I thought back and remembered that sometimes the hardest place to be is in the center of God’s will. For me, now I thought that was to give up nursing. Was I willing to give it up in order to really fulfill His plan? I was still at a point where I had not heard from Him what I was supposed to do though. Every day I prayed to hear about His plan for me.

My prayer changed and I asked Him to literally slam the door to nursing in my face. Have loans fall through, be unable to get my clinical clearance; something, anything that would shut the door. I was still waiting on God to shout to me his plan, but in that time, He silently opened the first door I thought He would close. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that, yes, being in the center of God’s will is often the hardest place to be. And for me, that meant returning to Riverside and continuing with nursing school. I was so incredibly overwhelmed that in His own way, He spoke to me. Not in the shout I wanted, but a subtle whisper.

After being a little stubborn I submitted. I remembered that night over feeling so overwhelmed and loved. How could I want anything but His will for me? It feels right.

Tomorrow I leave once again for this place:

Considering this is the third summer I’m spending there, I guess you can say it’s one of my favorite places. A new summer in NM is always exciting (and a little nerve wracking) for me. It means:
• New faces
• New Challenges
• A time for growth
• Seeing old friends
• Being exhausted 90% if the time
• Meeting lifelong friends
• Adventures in Santa Fe
• Stretching myself
• Building relationships
• Trying new things

The summers I have spent in Glorieta, NM are some of my fondest memories. I have no doubt this one will be included too.

One Down Five to Go

After 102 workbook chapters, 168 clinical hours, 31 quizzes, 10 exams, and 6 finals, I am DONE with my first semester of nursing school. The fact that I have conquered the first makes me feel a little less nauseous about the next five. The overwhelming feeling of accomplishment now did not come easily. This was of one of the hardest semesters I have ever faced. It wasn’t even the fact that the work was too hard. I think I just got so overwhelmed with all the tasks at hand that I forgot momentarily while I was doing this. Along with the countless skills and facts I learned this semester, I also learned that along with relying on Him, I need to lean on the people who love and care about me. It’s ok to need help and encouragement. So, for all of you who encouraged me to keep going during this semester, thank you! I wouldn’t have made it without all your love and support! Now onto celebrating with a 4 month break before the next semester!

More than a Bunny...

The thought of Easter overwhelms me. Not the events of the day, but the meaning. As of right now Easter is pretty low key. I have no children to play Easter Bunny to and I don’t prepare the big family dinner. The meaning of Easter though, it is so significant to who and what I believe. Without this day, there would be no reason for me to believe.
I was redeemed. There was a price that had to be paid for me, for everyone. The inherent evil inside us had to be paid. The cost was high. It cost life. He knew every awful and grotesque thing I would ever do, and being fully aware, He CHOSE to die in my place. That humbles me. He sees my past and future and has paid the price regardless of what I did and will do. One of my favorite hymns reads “sin had left a crimson stain; He washed it white as snow”. He paid my price and erased everything. He was humiliated, nailed to a cross, and killed. I am alive because He chose death. His wounds paid my ransom.
Not only did He die, but he rose from the dead. He didn’t stay dead in a tomb waiting for people to come to worship his grave, no, he conquered death. My mind is blown whenever I think about it. That makes Him different than any other god people serve. I serve a God who is alive and living. The God I serve crushed sin and defied death.
My prayer is that I will never stop getting overwhelmed and humbled when I think about Easter and what it means. I pray that never become numb to these things.

“The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him, and the grave couldn’t hold Him. Yeah! That’s my King”

Just Be Mad

I dislike disappointing people. In fact, I loathe it. After I would get in trouble or just do something without thinking when I was little I would ask my mom, “Are you mad at me?” to which she would almost always reply “No”. Then I would proceed with “Ok, well are you disappointed?” You see, in my mind disappointing someone is even worse than having them mad at you. If someone is mad, there is a cause, I did something stupid and need to apologize, fix my actions, and then things generally get better. The anger turns into love, and all seems well again within a period of time (generally speaking). With disappointing someone, I feel that I have genuinely let them down. Naturally there is a cause, but the love part takes a bit longer to achieve. I can try and fix it, but I fear that I have lost a certain amount of respect from that person. When my mom would answer “yes Kelli, but I’m not mad” I would always be heavy hearted and explain that it was worse and I how wished she would just be mad. I fear when I disappoint, I lose credibility and parts of who I am. They know you are better than that. They know your character and that you simply didn’t live up to it.

No Excuse for You

I saw you kick your son tonight. That’s right, kick. I saw your two boys run away to the bathroom because of the fear they have of you hurting them. I saw as your wife observed what happened and went back about to her business like nothing abnormal had taken place. I pray you’re not hurting her too. I saw as you went on like nothing happened; but, it did. You kicked your son’s tiny thigh. After, I saw them run to the bathroom, I saw your older boy hesitantly come back to your side. As for your younger one, he hid in the hallway of the bathroom. The fear in his little blue eyes overtook his body. He paced back and forth; too afraid of what was going to happen next. As he paced, he limped. You did that to him. You physically hurt your son; there is no excuse for that. There never will be. I pray your sons, that despite their sorry excuse for a father, they grow up to be strong and loving men and dads. I pray your wife stands up for her adorable little boys, and herself if she needs to. I pray for you too, I pray that not a day goes by when you don’t feel bad about what you’ve done and about the damage that’s already been done to them. I pray that the guilt overpowers you and that you stop hurting your boys.

Starting the Healing

My wound got a little worse, but I finally got the courage to go get stitches. As I slowly peeled the band-aid off, I uncovered the wound. It pulled the surrounding skin and hurt more than I expected it to. I wanted to just put the band-aid back on and walk away. It would have been easier to just leave it alone, but I know the infection would have just gotten worse. I hadn’t seen the wound in a long time, and didn’t realize how bad it has become. I was surprised at how big the infection really is. There are lesions and tunnels I forgot were there, and even new ones I hadn’t yet seem. I started to expose it, but I was careful with what I showed. I was embarrassed to show all of it. How did I let it get there in the first place? How did I let it become so infected? I didn’t want to expose all the ugly, scared, broken, and infected areas. To prevent anymore infection, I had to show more though. I had to be honest and point out the deep areas. It needs to be cleaned out now, and it’s going to hurt and be uncomfortable. All of the dirt, bacteria, and impurities, have to be removed. The cleansing will probably reveal even more of those deeply infected areas. It’s not going to be fun, and it’s going to be painful, but it’s the next step to closing up that wound. As much as I would rather just put my band-aid back on and walk away, I know that it won’t heal and will never allow the wound to close.

Passion without Action

Part of my passion is seeing the lives of youth (especially girls) be completely and utterly changed by God. I think a part of that is because during my time as a youth in church, my life was constantly all over the place. I pretended to play the church game, and really I had no part in it, and didn’t want to. Quite frankly, I thought a lot of it was stupid. Obviously, my thoughts have changed, but during those times is when I first had my own thoughts about who God was. I was always told I needed to “make my faith my own” and while it took me a long time to get things right, it all started then. Those years were fragile and have made me the person I am today. The leaders I had saw through my naiveté and loved me anyway. They pushed and challenged me. Many of those leaders are people that I still look up to and admire today. They hold a very special place in my heart for. I trusted them because they were once in the same place I was. They listened; they talked, and were there for me.

When I started college at SFSU and lived in my hometown, I helped lead the Jr. High and led a bible study with girls at my church. I loved it. I knew that teaching, investing, and living life with younger girls was a passion I had been given. I felt like I was doing something right, that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I was investing in girls and listened to them, talked with them, just like people had done to me. I was someone who understood the pain that they were enduring and who could tell them that things really do get better, because I was once where they stood. It gave me such energy and joy to see the girls’ lives being changed. I still get joy when I talk to them now. When I moved to Riverside, I obviously had to give that all up. I went from my close group of girls, to nothing, and in all honesty, it sucked. I miss them, I miss being there for them during such crucial years, and I miss helping them learn about the one and only thing that matters in life. I have yet to find a church here where I can really do that, and that frustrates me. I have this passion and I can’t find a place to use it.

Bump, Bump...

I hit a little bit of a bump. Last week was one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had, and it definitely got the better of me. Every aspect of the week was difficult, relationships, school, and just life in general. I seemed to have to work 10 x harder to do anything, and I just didn’t have the motivation to do it. Therefore, I hit the bump. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me very often, but over the weekend I totally did. Every little thing seemed to pile up: homework, my computer crashing, stupid people, and locking my keys in my car. I seemed to just breakdown from all the thigns going on. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from it all. I am generally an optimistic person and when that flips to being a pessimist, it just makes me more upset. I’m ready to move on and get past this little bump. I’m for a better week and to have my emotions and outlook on life back to normal.

Two Down...

I have now completed 2 weeks as a nursing student. Whew. I prepared myself for this transition and thus far, while it has been completely overwhelming at times, it has also been 2 amazing weeks. I’m doing and learning things that I actually care about. There’s something about telling people that I’m a nursing student that oddly enough makes me proud. My brain if often mush, I am tired all of the time, I said goodbye to my social life, but I love it. To be honest, I expected these first couple weeks to be a lot harder than they have been. I’m hanging in and surviving, taking things one step at a time. I can’t do everything at once. So if this is the week where everything hits the fan…remind me to slow down and take it one step at a time.

Peace out 2010

2010 has officially come and gone. Like every year, it came with some wonderful times but it definitely came with its challenges too. Here is what 2010 looked like for me:

January

I started my second semester at CBU. I turned 20 and celebrated my birthday for the first time really away from home. I felt the love of my sister, roommates, and friends as they all helped celebrate with me. Even some epic music videos were made. I also learned that I was not allowed to apply for the School on Nursing at CBU which put my school plans up in the air and had me feeling a little discouraged.

February

A guy attempted to break into my apartment while I was there and somehow I shoved him out the door and got him into a bit of trouble. It led to all sorts of craziness, even my parents making the long drive down to Riverside to make sure I was ok. I helped my sister celebrate her birthday with all of her roomies and friends.

March

I warmly welcomed Spring Break in the midst of an insane semester. I welcomed a new baby cousin into the world and a cousin by a wonderful marriage. I was reunited with one of my good friends, Karen that I met at Glorieta in the summer. My roomies and I went through a difficult few weeks, but in the ends I think it helped bond us closer together.

April

The semester was coming to a close and the craziness of it definitely increased. I spent Easer break hanging out/taking care of a sick roomie by watching a wild amount of movies. I spent my first Easer away from home, however, I was invited to spend the day with one of my very best friends and her family. School wrapped up which meant as many Disneyland trips as I could fit in.

May
I got to see and celebrate my older sister graduating from college. A week after school ended, I left to go spend the summer in one of my favorite places in the whole world, Glorieta, NM. I was reunited with some of my favorite people and met some new friends who quickly became favorites.

June

I got to make a quick trip back to CA to see my little sister graduate from highschool. I went to the ABQ “aquarium” and zoo with some of my new friends and even had an epic dance party in the Washeteria fit with glow sticks and laundry carts.

July

I really took in all that I could at Glorieta. The amazing worship, the solitude, and the wonderful friendships I was making. I celebrated Western night and “Christmas in July” with my NM family with stockings, a gift exchange, and Christmas ornaments. All nighters in the lobby became frequent just to enjoy one another’s company. I saw my first bear that wasn’t in a zoo, then my second and third. Bear hunting became another regular.

August

It was a hard month. I once again had to say goodbye to my favorite place and some of favorite people. It was another amazing summer filled with new and amazing friendships, new self discoveries, and new passions. Leaving NM was one of the most emotional experiences ever. I failed, I got bad news, got good news, and passed. I moved back to Riverside and was reunited with my amazing friends there. I turned in my nursing school application.

September

I started a new year at CBU and had incredibly mixed emotions about being there. I wanted my friends, but wanted nothing to do with the school. I missed my family, my summer pals, and NM. Going to Disneyland as much as possible definitely helped. After a difficult month, I got some of the best news of my life…I was accepted into nursing school!

October

I flew home to surprise my mom and sisters. I spent a wonderful weekend with them and seeing many of the people I loved and missed form home. When I was in Riverside, I missed home more than I ever have before. I celebrated friends’ birthdays with a bon fire and a special dinner.

November

The days for Thanksgiving break were getting closer. I spent an amazing and relaxing day at Disneyland decorated in all its Christmas splendor. Thanksgiving break finally came and I got really sick. As much as it sucked, I was thankful my parents could take me to the ER, stay with me, and help take care of me.

December

The semester was coming to a close and I went to go see the lights at the Mission Inn. I had a many nights filled with incredible belly laughs. I celebrated an easy finals week at Disneyland and late night adventures. I came home for Christmas break to spend the longest time I had been home in about 2 years. It was been one of the most relaxing and wonderful times at home. I’ve celebrated, seen old friends, and gotten to spend some quality time with my family.

It was a year full of blessings and challenges. 2011 will bring many new adventures. I will start nursing school, turn 21, and be blessed in more ways than I can count. Alright, bring it on 2011!

Why I Celebrate

In the business that the Christmas season brings, I so often fall guilty at forgetting why I really celebrate Christmas. It is so easy for me to take in the baking, the gift buying, and the traditions and forget about everything else. Sometimes, I even get wrapped up in the painful memories that the season has brought since I was a little girl. All of these little excuses though, are just that…excuses to forget the reason I celebrate. As a believer in Christ, Christmas is a crucial part of what I believe. Every aspect of the Christmas story and what it means for me blows my mind; there’s no other way to describe it. Let me explain:

A virgin gave birth to the son of God. In case you didn’t know, that doesn’t just happen every day. Some probably thought she was crazy, others probably labeled her a whore; only a few knew what was really going on. She was told her son was the Messiah, but in the moment of his birth I’m sure she had no clue of his plans because he was just her baby boy who depended on her for all of his needs.

One of my favorite parts was how He came to earth. The Jews were looking for a big political figure to be their Savior. He could have come as a king with all the money and politics included, but he did not. He could have come with the power of a storm or a forest fire taking over the world, but once again he did not. He came to earth as a helpless baby who was born in a barn and placed in a feeding trough. This was birth that had been prophesized about. He was the struggling servant they had heard about and he was here to fulfill these prophesies. The timing for him was perfect. The One who the Jews had been waiting for didn’t just come for them; He came for all peoples, people of every nation and people group. He came in a way so humbling that it’s hard to fathom.

Most importantly, it’s hard to look at this birth without thinking about the cross. This is the boy, the king of the world, grew up and paid the price for me-for everyone. He willingly spread out his hand and was nailed to a cross for us. He was killed in the most gruesome way possible. He saved the world starting from that tiny feeding trough all the way to the cross.

Without this day, all of the other things I believe could never have taken place. It is on this day that the world was utterly changed. He left the throne of God to endure the pain and disgust of this awful place. He did it willingly. He did humbly. He did it perfectly.

You're Not so Little Anymore....

My love for you may be hidden in the way I give you a hard time, but secretly I think the world of you. I have never been protective over anyone like the way I am with you. I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to you. I want your dreams to come true and for you to fulfill the purpose you’ve been given. You have a huge heart and I can’t wait to see how else you’re going to use it for good in this world. I am proud of you and the person you are becoming. You’re not so little anymore and as sad as that makes me, I am so excited to see where the future takes us. I love that I can make you laugh with only one word and you can do the same for me. You try and see the good in everyone and have more passion than most people. I can’t get over how amazing you already are. Happy birthday, little one, I love you.

Thankful for the Little Things

I wrote this last year when I blogged for my school. I decided I needed a reminder of it this year too. So with a few changes here it is...

As we all know, life sometimes gets a little overwhelming. The smallest things start to really irritate us and bigger things are just pain to have to deal with. For me, it’s things like my full hamper of dirty clothes, having a lot of homework or my computer being a little slow. They may sound silly to you, but on a hard day, these are the things I get frustrated with. However, this time when I was beginning to get irritated, I realized that I to be thankful for those things. Here are some of the things that irritate me and what I have discovered about them. So, I am thankful for:

Having a hamper full of dirty clothes because I have clothes to wear. I can pick and choose what I wear every day. A day never goes by that go without clothes.

Having a lot of homework and studying to do because I get to go to school to further my dreams. I attend a university with a great nursing program that is going to train me to be an amazing nurse.

My computer being slow because I am blessed enough to have one. Not everyone can use facebook, do schoolwork, or blog whenever they want.

My old sweatshirt with a rip in it because it keeps me warm.

The parking spot the farthest away because I have two working legs and I can walk. I have a vehicle.

Not having enough time to call the people back who leave me messages because I have friends and family who love me and want to hear from me. They encourage me and stand by me.

My alarm that goes off too early for my liking because it means I am alive. I get to do life again each day.

In Need of Some Stiches

This wound is the biggest I have. It’s deeper than any abrasion I could imagine. It’s gross and I don’t want anyone else to see it. I ignored the pain and pushed through for a long time. I even tried fixing it myself with a band-aid. However, something that vast cannot be fixed with only a band-aid. That only masked the wound and in the end has made it worse. I’ve done a very good job at hiding and ignoring it. Still, that has just let it fester and become more repulsive than it was before. It’s infected. For the sake of myself, I have to let someone look at it. The dirt and bacteria need to be cleansed and it needs to be stitched up. It is going to be painful and difficult to go through. It’s going to hurt, and people are going to see how deep and awful it is, but it is the only way for it to heal.

Starting the Wild Ride

Well, in case you have missed the memo, I've been accepted to be a NURSING STUDENT!!! Ahhhh! All the stress and worrying I have had about getting into a program is finally gone. I knew I was called to be a nurse, but it's so nice to show anyone who ever doubted or questioned that this really is what I have been called to do in life. Getting to this point has not been easy in the least, and the road ahead is not going to be any easier. I know it is going to be hard and exhausting, but I am so ready for it. I am so excited (and maybe slightly terrified) about what these next few years of nursing school will bring. It's gonna be an exciting, difficult, and rewarding journey. Get ready, it's gonna be a crazy ride.