Just Be Mad

I dislike disappointing people. In fact, I loathe it. After I would get in trouble or just do something without thinking when I was little I would ask my mom, “Are you mad at me?” to which she would almost always reply “No”. Then I would proceed with “Ok, well are you disappointed?” You see, in my mind disappointing someone is even worse than having them mad at you. If someone is mad, there is a cause, I did something stupid and need to apologize, fix my actions, and then things generally get better. The anger turns into love, and all seems well again within a period of time (generally speaking). With disappointing someone, I feel that I have genuinely let them down. Naturally there is a cause, but the love part takes a bit longer to achieve. I can try and fix it, but I fear that I have lost a certain amount of respect from that person. When my mom would answer “yes Kelli, but I’m not mad” I would always be heavy hearted and explain that it was worse and I how wished she would just be mad. I fear when I disappoint, I lose credibility and parts of who I am. They know you are better than that. They know your character and that you simply didn’t live up to it.

No Excuse for You

I saw you kick your son tonight. That’s right, kick. I saw your two boys run away to the bathroom because of the fear they have of you hurting them. I saw as your wife observed what happened and went back about to her business like nothing abnormal had taken place. I pray you’re not hurting her too. I saw as you went on like nothing happened; but, it did. You kicked your son’s tiny thigh. After, I saw them run to the bathroom, I saw your older boy hesitantly come back to your side. As for your younger one, he hid in the hallway of the bathroom. The fear in his little blue eyes overtook his body. He paced back and forth; too afraid of what was going to happen next. As he paced, he limped. You did that to him. You physically hurt your son; there is no excuse for that. There never will be. I pray your sons, that despite their sorry excuse for a father, they grow up to be strong and loving men and dads. I pray your wife stands up for her adorable little boys, and herself if she needs to. I pray for you too, I pray that not a day goes by when you don’t feel bad about what you’ve done and about the damage that’s already been done to them. I pray that the guilt overpowers you and that you stop hurting your boys.

Starting the Healing

My wound got a little worse, but I finally got the courage to go get stitches. As I slowly peeled the band-aid off, I uncovered the wound. It pulled the surrounding skin and hurt more than I expected it to. I wanted to just put the band-aid back on and walk away. It would have been easier to just leave it alone, but I know the infection would have just gotten worse. I hadn’t seen the wound in a long time, and didn’t realize how bad it has become. I was surprised at how big the infection really is. There are lesions and tunnels I forgot were there, and even new ones I hadn’t yet seem. I started to expose it, but I was careful with what I showed. I was embarrassed to show all of it. How did I let it get there in the first place? How did I let it become so infected? I didn’t want to expose all the ugly, scared, broken, and infected areas. To prevent anymore infection, I had to show more though. I had to be honest and point out the deep areas. It needs to be cleaned out now, and it’s going to hurt and be uncomfortable. All of the dirt, bacteria, and impurities, have to be removed. The cleansing will probably reveal even more of those deeply infected areas. It’s not going to be fun, and it’s going to be painful, but it’s the next step to closing up that wound. As much as I would rather just put my band-aid back on and walk away, I know that it won’t heal and will never allow the wound to close.

Passion without Action

Part of my passion is seeing the lives of youth (especially girls) be completely and utterly changed by God. I think a part of that is because during my time as a youth in church, my life was constantly all over the place. I pretended to play the church game, and really I had no part in it, and didn’t want to. Quite frankly, I thought a lot of it was stupid. Obviously, my thoughts have changed, but during those times is when I first had my own thoughts about who God was. I was always told I needed to “make my faith my own” and while it took me a long time to get things right, it all started then. Those years were fragile and have made me the person I am today. The leaders I had saw through my naiveté and loved me anyway. They pushed and challenged me. Many of those leaders are people that I still look up to and admire today. They hold a very special place in my heart for. I trusted them because they were once in the same place I was. They listened; they talked, and were there for me.

When I started college at SFSU and lived in my hometown, I helped lead the Jr. High and led a bible study with girls at my church. I loved it. I knew that teaching, investing, and living life with younger girls was a passion I had been given. I felt like I was doing something right, that it was what I was supposed to be doing. I was investing in girls and listened to them, talked with them, just like people had done to me. I was someone who understood the pain that they were enduring and who could tell them that things really do get better, because I was once where they stood. It gave me such energy and joy to see the girls’ lives being changed. I still get joy when I talk to them now. When I moved to Riverside, I obviously had to give that all up. I went from my close group of girls, to nothing, and in all honesty, it sucked. I miss them, I miss being there for them during such crucial years, and I miss helping them learn about the one and only thing that matters in life. I have yet to find a church here where I can really do that, and that frustrates me. I have this passion and I can’t find a place to use it.

Bump, Bump...

I hit a little bit of a bump. Last week was one of the most stressful weeks I have ever had, and it definitely got the better of me. Every aspect of the week was difficult, relationships, school, and just life in general. I seemed to have to work 10 x harder to do anything, and I just didn’t have the motivation to do it. Therefore, I hit the bump. I don’t let my emotions get the best of me very often, but over the weekend I totally did. Every little thing seemed to pile up: homework, my computer crashing, stupid people, and locking my keys in my car. I seemed to just breakdown from all the thigns going on. I am physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from it all. I am generally an optimistic person and when that flips to being a pessimist, it just makes me more upset. I’m ready to move on and get past this little bump. I’m for a better week and to have my emotions and outlook on life back to normal.

Two Down...

I have now completed 2 weeks as a nursing student. Whew. I prepared myself for this transition and thus far, while it has been completely overwhelming at times, it has also been 2 amazing weeks. I’m doing and learning things that I actually care about. There’s something about telling people that I’m a nursing student that oddly enough makes me proud. My brain if often mush, I am tired all of the time, I said goodbye to my social life, but I love it. To be honest, I expected these first couple weeks to be a lot harder than they have been. I’m hanging in and surviving, taking things one step at a time. I can’t do everything at once. So if this is the week where everything hits the fan…remind me to slow down and take it one step at a time.

Peace out 2010

2010 has officially come and gone. Like every year, it came with some wonderful times but it definitely came with its challenges too. Here is what 2010 looked like for me:

January

I started my second semester at CBU. I turned 20 and celebrated my birthday for the first time really away from home. I felt the love of my sister, roommates, and friends as they all helped celebrate with me. Even some epic music videos were made. I also learned that I was not allowed to apply for the School on Nursing at CBU which put my school plans up in the air and had me feeling a little discouraged.

February

A guy attempted to break into my apartment while I was there and somehow I shoved him out the door and got him into a bit of trouble. It led to all sorts of craziness, even my parents making the long drive down to Riverside to make sure I was ok. I helped my sister celebrate her birthday with all of her roomies and friends.

March

I warmly welcomed Spring Break in the midst of an insane semester. I welcomed a new baby cousin into the world and a cousin by a wonderful marriage. I was reunited with one of my good friends, Karen that I met at Glorieta in the summer. My roomies and I went through a difficult few weeks, but in the ends I think it helped bond us closer together.

April

The semester was coming to a close and the craziness of it definitely increased. I spent Easer break hanging out/taking care of a sick roomie by watching a wild amount of movies. I spent my first Easer away from home, however, I was invited to spend the day with one of my very best friends and her family. School wrapped up which meant as many Disneyland trips as I could fit in.

May
I got to see and celebrate my older sister graduating from college. A week after school ended, I left to go spend the summer in one of my favorite places in the whole world, Glorieta, NM. I was reunited with some of my favorite people and met some new friends who quickly became favorites.

June

I got to make a quick trip back to CA to see my little sister graduate from highschool. I went to the ABQ “aquarium” and zoo with some of my new friends and even had an epic dance party in the Washeteria fit with glow sticks and laundry carts.

July

I really took in all that I could at Glorieta. The amazing worship, the solitude, and the wonderful friendships I was making. I celebrated Western night and “Christmas in July” with my NM family with stockings, a gift exchange, and Christmas ornaments. All nighters in the lobby became frequent just to enjoy one another’s company. I saw my first bear that wasn’t in a zoo, then my second and third. Bear hunting became another regular.

August

It was a hard month. I once again had to say goodbye to my favorite place and some of favorite people. It was another amazing summer filled with new and amazing friendships, new self discoveries, and new passions. Leaving NM was one of the most emotional experiences ever. I failed, I got bad news, got good news, and passed. I moved back to Riverside and was reunited with my amazing friends there. I turned in my nursing school application.

September

I started a new year at CBU and had incredibly mixed emotions about being there. I wanted my friends, but wanted nothing to do with the school. I missed my family, my summer pals, and NM. Going to Disneyland as much as possible definitely helped. After a difficult month, I got some of the best news of my life…I was accepted into nursing school!

October

I flew home to surprise my mom and sisters. I spent a wonderful weekend with them and seeing many of the people I loved and missed form home. When I was in Riverside, I missed home more than I ever have before. I celebrated friends’ birthdays with a bon fire and a special dinner.

November

The days for Thanksgiving break were getting closer. I spent an amazing and relaxing day at Disneyland decorated in all its Christmas splendor. Thanksgiving break finally came and I got really sick. As much as it sucked, I was thankful my parents could take me to the ER, stay with me, and help take care of me.

December

The semester was coming to a close and I went to go see the lights at the Mission Inn. I had a many nights filled with incredible belly laughs. I celebrated an easy finals week at Disneyland and late night adventures. I came home for Christmas break to spend the longest time I had been home in about 2 years. It was been one of the most relaxing and wonderful times at home. I’ve celebrated, seen old friends, and gotten to spend some quality time with my family.

It was a year full of blessings and challenges. 2011 will bring many new adventures. I will start nursing school, turn 21, and be blessed in more ways than I can count. Alright, bring it on 2011!