The Hardest Place to Be

I left Glorieta a month ago, and as much as I hate it, life is back to being in the fast lane. Before I go forth with my whole summer update and what not, here is what’s going on in my life as of right now.

5 weeks ago you could’ve seen me without fail sitting outside my room at Glorieta in an old chair, looking at the mountains, reading the Word, and spending time with Him. I came to a point in my life where I was so confused about my life that every spare moment was consumed with trying to figure it out. I utterly needed to hear from Him and what His plans were for my life. I thought I wasn’t supposed to be a nurse after all. I came to the conclusion of, how could everything that lead up to being in a nursing program have been so difficult if that was what I was supposed to be doing? How could my first semester be perhaps the most trying, hardest 4 months of my life? To me, it clicked. Obviously, God’s will wouldn’t included me fighting to get in, and fighting to stay afloat once I was there. Someone told me that sometimes that’s what happens sometimes when you’re doing His will. I completely blew it off, because my “plan b” sounded SO good. I was to the point where returning to Riverside to continue made me want to puke. I was done with nursing.

I talked to my friends at Glorieta and nursing kept coming up. One of the groups had a giant heart in the auditorium and I decided to draw and label it (I’m a freak, I know). Even though I tried to run away from it, I was still interested in it. I thought back and remembered that sometimes the hardest place to be is in the center of God’s will. For me, now I thought that was to give up nursing. Was I willing to give it up in order to really fulfill His plan? I was still at a point where I had not heard from Him what I was supposed to do though. Every day I prayed to hear about His plan for me.

My prayer changed and I asked Him to literally slam the door to nursing in my face. Have loans fall through, be unable to get my clinical clearance; something, anything that would shut the door. I was still waiting on God to shout to me his plan, but in that time, He silently opened the first door I thought He would close. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that, yes, being in the center of God’s will is often the hardest place to be. And for me, that meant returning to Riverside and continuing with nursing school. I was so incredibly overwhelmed that in His own way, He spoke to me. Not in the shout I wanted, but a subtle whisper.

After being a little stubborn I submitted. I remembered that night over feeling so overwhelmed and loved. How could I want anything but His will for me? It feels right.