Harder Than I Thought

I’ll be the first to admit we’ve had very rough spots in our relationship. She’s made me so mad and knows exactly how frustrate me, yet she knows what will bring a smile to my face or a smart aleck comment out of my mouth. Lately there have been less silly arguments and more of a genuine fondness towards each other. I didn’t believe any of you when you told me that a day would come when I wouldn’t want her to move out so bad, and I would want her to stay and make forts in the living room again. I wish I had gotten over how mad I was and had listened.

Today she left. She’s on to a new college, in a new town, with new friends. I saw her life packed away in our living room and knew I had to go and that I needed to say goodbye. Ok, well I suck at goodbyes (who doesn’t?). I stared at her not knowing what to do. I quickly found my arms wrapped around her not wanting to let go. I didn’t think of any of our horrible moments together, just the good ones. For a second it didn’t matter how angry she’d once made me, it mattered that I told her I loved her. We looked at each other, with our teary eyes and knew it was time for me to leave. I shut the front door and tears raced down my cheeks.

No matter how many times she tells me she’s not, I know she’s nervous and a little scared. I want people to see the amazing qualities she has, and not any of her flaws. I love my big sister, and I wish I had realized it sooner.

Set Free

Dear Chains,

I hate you. You kept me down; made me feel alone, helpless, and completely numb. Not only did you build up huge walls around my heart, you also had me thinking it was okay for me to act like a person who I look back on, and it makes me sick. You had me thinking that what happened was my fault, and it’s not; it’s theirs. I know that now. I will never forget what happened, but I am trying to at least forgive and heal the wounds. I have been set free from the pain you brought into my life and I will never have to hurt that way again. I am free!!!

Neverland anyone?

I got to go to Disneyland for the last several days, and like most little kids, I think it is pretty much the coolest place ever (Target coming in at a close second). I get giddy waiting to enter the park. I walk through the gates and can’t decide where to go first; however, that dilemma quickly resolves itself. By the middle of the day my face hurts because I can’t stop smiling. Disneyland gives me the opportunity to pretend like I’m always going to be a kid.

This trip to Disneyland, I realized that I’m not always going to be a kid, that I’m growing up, and that my life is changing. No matter how much I don’t want to, I really have no choice. I used to be so ready to grow up, move out, and get on with my life. However, now it scares the pee out of me. Looking at my life changing so drastically in year makes me want to vomit. I’m not saying that I don’t want to graduate from high school (trust me, no one wants to get out of that place as much as I do). I’m scared of the part after high school, where calling up a friend won’t be as easy as saying “see you in about fifteen minutes”, and it will be more like “hopefully we can catch up for a little while around Christmas time”. I’m scared that I’m not ready. Logically, I know that it’s all going to be fine, but for now the anxiety has taken over.