Tired

For awhile now I’ve been trying to show certain people more than just my silly side. It hurts that I’ve know these people for a long time. While I consider them my friends, I don’t believe they’ve ever actually gotten to know me. I’ve tried to bring up intellectual conversations with them, and I am usually laughed at as they continue on without me. I hate that they treat me like I’m dumb. I wish they knew that I like to have intimate, deep conversations with people (where there is hardly any silliness). I wish they knew that I’m a total nerd and love to watch the news. I’m tired of trying so hard show them, I’m tired of proving myself to them, and I’m tired of them treating me the way they do.

Ready

After nearly 3 ½ years, 3 spinal taps, numerous CAT scans and MRIs, countless tubes of blood, and almost a million different kinds of medicines; I’m read for my headache to be gone. I hate that I’m not able to count on myself because of it. Without it I would be able to listen to loud music, I wouldn’t be struggling socially in school, and I wouldn’t have to live in constant pain. I want it to stop ruining my life; I want it to go away.

One of the worst parts about my headache is not that it won’t go away, but that they can’t figure out what’s wrong. There’s no sign of anything. My heart broke every time the doctors said “this will work!” and it didn’t. I’m ready for something, anything to work.

I started a new treatment called Bio Feedback last week. This week I was hooked up to a machine, had censors placed all over me, and was able to watch what was going on. The machine tells everything from my pulse to the amount of stress in my jaw muscle. I’m going to learn how to control different things in my body (like my pulse), which often helps with chronic pain. Still we’re still trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m thrilled to start this new process, but I’m trying not to get too excited because I don’t want to get disappointed.

It Drives Me

Writing has always been a secret passion of mine. My English teacher encouraged me back in October to start sharing my writings in some way. Although she repeatedly asked me, I never listened. My thoughts somehow changed, and I’ve given in. As I was thinking about what to write, I remembered my teacher telling me to write what’s in my heart. Bear with me as I begin writing in a new way.

Last week I had the amazing privilege to go to Phoenix, Arizona with my youth group. Everyday I got to perform tasks doing what truly drives me. I got up, got ready, and went down stairs each morning to a room of wonderful people who were incredibly thankful for each task our group had performed. It made my day start off in an incredibly uplifting way.

In the mornings, I was privileged to be apart of amazing group of people who were responsible for painting the church sanctuary. It was a daunting task. If you talk to most people I know, they will tell you that I get joy out of doing anything for people. Even though I was scrubbing the baseboards (a job no one wanted), I had an amazing time. I was serving people, and that’s what I love to do.

In the afternoons, I was a leader for 5th and 6th graders at the day camp. They were so much fun and I remembered how much drama goes on when you are 11 years old. What really made me happy was a 7 year old boy named Nathan. I really got to know him when he stabbed me in the stomach with a balloon sword. We played swords for nearly an hour that day, or so it seemed. Nathan reminded me that I love kids so much because no matter how hard I try to grow up, I’m really an enormous kid at heart.

No matter how tired or hot I was each day, I tried to go on because I knew my emotional high of serving each day, would soon be at an end. Helping people in any kind of way is what drives me, it’s my passion; it’s what I live for.