That Time of the Semester

I feel like I always hit this spot in the semester. It's that part where you're not sure you're gonna make it out the other side alive. That part of the semester where I would give anything to be home just for a couple hours to soak in my family and some good home cookin'. It's that time of the semester where I get too overwhelmed that my short coping mechanism walks turn into hours to de-stress. That part where I start to shut down and need the love and support of my family and friends to keep moving. I'm tired. I feel like I don't have time to do all the things I NEED to do (forget about what I want to do). Yet, I know that the part where I see light at the end of this dark semester is right around the corner.

The Hardest Place to Be

I left Glorieta a month ago, and as much as I hate it, life is back to being in the fast lane. Before I go forth with my whole summer update and what not, here is what’s going on in my life as of right now.

5 weeks ago you could’ve seen me without fail sitting outside my room at Glorieta in an old chair, looking at the mountains, reading the Word, and spending time with Him. I came to a point in my life where I was so confused about my life that every spare moment was consumed with trying to figure it out. I utterly needed to hear from Him and what His plans were for my life. I thought I wasn’t supposed to be a nurse after all. I came to the conclusion of, how could everything that lead up to being in a nursing program have been so difficult if that was what I was supposed to be doing? How could my first semester be perhaps the most trying, hardest 4 months of my life? To me, it clicked. Obviously, God’s will wouldn’t included me fighting to get in, and fighting to stay afloat once I was there. Someone told me that sometimes that’s what happens sometimes when you’re doing His will. I completely blew it off, because my “plan b” sounded SO good. I was to the point where returning to Riverside to continue made me want to puke. I was done with nursing.

I talked to my friends at Glorieta and nursing kept coming up. One of the groups had a giant heart in the auditorium and I decided to draw and label it (I’m a freak, I know). Even though I tried to run away from it, I was still interested in it. I thought back and remembered that sometimes the hardest place to be is in the center of God’s will. For me, now I thought that was to give up nursing. Was I willing to give it up in order to really fulfill His plan? I was still at a point where I had not heard from Him what I was supposed to do though. Every day I prayed to hear about His plan for me.

My prayer changed and I asked Him to literally slam the door to nursing in my face. Have loans fall through, be unable to get my clinical clearance; something, anything that would shut the door. I was still waiting on God to shout to me his plan, but in that time, He silently opened the first door I thought He would close. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that, yes, being in the center of God’s will is often the hardest place to be. And for me, that meant returning to Riverside and continuing with nursing school. I was so incredibly overwhelmed that in His own way, He spoke to me. Not in the shout I wanted, but a subtle whisper.

After being a little stubborn I submitted. I remembered that night over feeling so overwhelmed and loved. How could I want anything but His will for me? It feels right.

Tomorrow I leave once again for this place:

Considering this is the third summer I’m spending there, I guess you can say it’s one of my favorite places. A new summer in NM is always exciting (and a little nerve wracking) for me. It means:
• New faces
• New Challenges
• A time for growth
• Seeing old friends
• Being exhausted 90% if the time
• Meeting lifelong friends
• Adventures in Santa Fe
• Stretching myself
• Building relationships
• Trying new things

The summers I have spent in Glorieta, NM are some of my fondest memories. I have no doubt this one will be included too.

One Down Five to Go

After 102 workbook chapters, 168 clinical hours, 31 quizzes, 10 exams, and 6 finals, I am DONE with my first semester of nursing school. The fact that I have conquered the first makes me feel a little less nauseous about the next five. The overwhelming feeling of accomplishment now did not come easily. This was of one of the hardest semesters I have ever faced. It wasn’t even the fact that the work was too hard. I think I just got so overwhelmed with all the tasks at hand that I forgot momentarily while I was doing this. Along with the countless skills and facts I learned this semester, I also learned that along with relying on Him, I need to lean on the people who love and care about me. It’s ok to need help and encouragement. So, for all of you who encouraged me to keep going during this semester, thank you! I wouldn’t have made it without all your love and support! Now onto celebrating with a 4 month break before the next semester!

More than a Bunny...

The thought of Easter overwhelms me. Not the events of the day, but the meaning. As of right now Easter is pretty low key. I have no children to play Easter Bunny to and I don’t prepare the big family dinner. The meaning of Easter though, it is so significant to who and what I believe. Without this day, there would be no reason for me to believe.
I was redeemed. There was a price that had to be paid for me, for everyone. The inherent evil inside us had to be paid. The cost was high. It cost life. He knew every awful and grotesque thing I would ever do, and being fully aware, He CHOSE to die in my place. That humbles me. He sees my past and future and has paid the price regardless of what I did and will do. One of my favorite hymns reads “sin had left a crimson stain; He washed it white as snow”. He paid my price and erased everything. He was humiliated, nailed to a cross, and killed. I am alive because He chose death. His wounds paid my ransom.
Not only did He die, but he rose from the dead. He didn’t stay dead in a tomb waiting for people to come to worship his grave, no, he conquered death. My mind is blown whenever I think about it. That makes Him different than any other god people serve. I serve a God who is alive and living. The God I serve crushed sin and defied death.
My prayer is that I will never stop getting overwhelmed and humbled when I think about Easter and what it means. I pray that never become numb to these things.

“The Pharisees couldn’t stand Him, but they found out they couldn’t stop Him. Pilate couldn’t find any fault in Him. Herod couldn’t kill Him. Death couldn’t handle Him, and the grave couldn’t hold Him. Yeah! That’s my King”

Just Be Mad

I dislike disappointing people. In fact, I loathe it. After I would get in trouble or just do something without thinking when I was little I would ask my mom, “Are you mad at me?” to which she would almost always reply “No”. Then I would proceed with “Ok, well are you disappointed?” You see, in my mind disappointing someone is even worse than having them mad at you. If someone is mad, there is a cause, I did something stupid and need to apologize, fix my actions, and then things generally get better. The anger turns into love, and all seems well again within a period of time (generally speaking). With disappointing someone, I feel that I have genuinely let them down. Naturally there is a cause, but the love part takes a bit longer to achieve. I can try and fix it, but I fear that I have lost a certain amount of respect from that person. When my mom would answer “yes Kelli, but I’m not mad” I would always be heavy hearted and explain that it was worse and I how wished she would just be mad. I fear when I disappoint, I lose credibility and parts of who I am. They know you are better than that. They know your character and that you simply didn’t live up to it.

No Excuse for You

I saw you kick your son tonight. That’s right, kick. I saw your two boys run away to the bathroom because of the fear they have of you hurting them. I saw as your wife observed what happened and went back about to her business like nothing abnormal had taken place. I pray you’re not hurting her too. I saw as you went on like nothing happened; but, it did. You kicked your son’s tiny thigh. After, I saw them run to the bathroom, I saw your older boy hesitantly come back to your side. As for your younger one, he hid in the hallway of the bathroom. The fear in his little blue eyes overtook his body. He paced back and forth; too afraid of what was going to happen next. As he paced, he limped. You did that to him. You physically hurt your son; there is no excuse for that. There never will be. I pray your sons, that despite their sorry excuse for a father, they grow up to be strong and loving men and dads. I pray your wife stands up for her adorable little boys, and herself if she needs to. I pray for you too, I pray that not a day goes by when you don’t feel bad about what you’ve done and about the damage that’s already been done to them. I pray that the guilt overpowers you and that you stop hurting your boys.