More Confused Than A Chameleon in A Bag Of Skittles

I am so tired of doing research online to find a school to go to. It is so frustrating. Although there is a severe lack of nurses in our country, finding a school that is not impacted is nearly impossible. State schools pretty much all have the same policy, approximately 200 students apply and 60 are accepted into the nursing program. Not odds I like. I was told if I don’t have straight A’s that I should not even apply. Great. I’ve been looking for schools that are not impacted and where I will be guaranteed to get the classes I need. I feel like I am searching for the impossible. I know they exist, I just can’t find one that works for me.

However, I have found one. A school that gives me the stability I am looking for as well as a clinical lab that is the top in the state. I know I would get an excellent education there. I am still unsure of going there. It is a school that I have never wanted to go to. It would take some sacrifices to go there, but, like I said, it would give me stability and an excellent education. I really just do not know what to do though.

Taking a Break

My first semester in college was great. Even though I think SF State was wonderful, I am not attending this semester. In fact, I’m not sure I will attend there again. I can still tell you why I love SFSU (the crisp air, the diversity, the uniqueness, that fact I can find a cup of coffee almost anywhere, the list goes on and on), however, it is not giving me what I need. I was only able to get 1 of the classes I needed this semester. I would have been taking a bunch of dumb filler classes just to take classes. As a nursing student at SFSU you are supposed to work very hard to finish your prerequisites in your first two years. For me, after one whole year, I would only have completed one. Meaning it would be impossible to finish within in the 2 years. So because of this, I have decided to take the semester off and save the money. I am currently looking at different schools with a nursing program that gives me a little more stability than any state school will. I will be attending school in the fall, I just do not know where yet.

The Man I Never Knew

December 15, 1997 was the one of the first times I experienced real pain. I am not talking about stubbing my toe or even breaking my arm, pain that is more normal for a seven year old girl. This was losing your breath, stomach churning, heart wrenching pain. This was the day that my friend, my hero, my grandpa died. This was the worst pain I had felt in my short life.

Summer of ’97 we learned he was very sick. We soon enough found out it was even more serious than we thought. Stage 4 lung cancer. He went through treatment. He lost his hair, his voice, and little parts of him that made him “him”. On the way home from my cousin’s house one weekend, I was told there was nothing more the doctors could do. That my grandpa was going to die not matter what. Don’t get me wrong. This pain was bad too. However, the pain didn’t seem really and truly real until he was really gone.

Until this point I don’t think I really understood what death was. I didn’t really want to find out either. When it came though, it felt like a bus hit me. My small little head could not comprehend what was going on. To my young eyes, the world seemed to be crashing down. It seemed it should be ending. Despite what I thought, the world continued. It did not wait for my little mind to catch up. It did not show me that everything was going to be ok. It just kept on going.
I remember being angry for a very long time. Maybe I still am. I hate that I was not able to really get to know such a wonderful man; someone I truly admired. I was bitter and upset. I would pretend I was fine and everything was ok. It just seemed easier to do that. The anger and resentment was stored in my heart for a very long time. I think I just recently have started to get rid of it.

From what I am told I am a lot like my grandfather. I love hearing that. I think I got my love for music from him. He loved music. He loved to sing and did it whenever he could. I am told that I have a sense of humor that was like his. He must have been hilarious! He loved to have fun and play games. He loved to travel and experience new things.

While I only knew him for a few short years, I am so thankful for those ones. I have some wonderful memories of him that I would not trade for anything. One time when I spent the night at his house, I must have been making lots of noise when I should have been sleeping. I was in a room all alone and I remember him coming in. He started singing to calm me down and make me go to sleep. I love this memory. It is mine; not one I have to share with anyone.

I wish I had more time to get to know what a wonderful man he was. I wish he could have gotten to know me too. Hear me sing, listen to my jokes, and experience something new with me. I think he would have really like me.

Looking From A New Angle

Before, I could have told you at least a million different reasons why I disliked it so much. I was not interested, never had been and thought I never would be. I am slowly-very slowly- realizing it might not be as bad as I once thought. I hate that I am beginning to soften up to the idea of it. In all reality, it could give me everything I need. It would make me feel secure. Am I willing to put aside the rest of my feelings of disgust and “just go for it”? I am not sure. I am trying to be open; trying to see all the wonderful possibilities that could come along from it.

What Would You Do?

My heart is torn. I am so unsure of what to do. I have a friend, who along with me is supposed to be somewhat of a mentor to younger kids. They put on a good act. They say what seems to be right. When we say goodbye to the kiddos, everything that they said goes out the door. The things they told the younger ones not to do it exactly what they go and do. Hypocrite. I usually sit and listen and by the end of the night I am so frustrated that I feel sick. I do not understand how someone can be so hypocritical. It makes me angry that they have authority over these kids. This person has also befriended another younger person. They are not in charge of this one anymore. They have told the younger one all the bad choices they make. All of them; in detail. It breaks my heart to see this happening.

This person used to be a close friend of mine until they deceived me. I watched them do it to other people, but because we were such good friends I would not believe it would happen to me. It did. We still talk, but I do not think I can trust this person they way I once did.

If I told the person who is in charge of us leaders this was going on I might not feel so angry and sick. I might be good to inform him what is going on. However, any friendship that is left with this person would be gone. How can I betray them? But how can I leave things the way they are?

Whole Again

Korrine was an amazing girl. Almost 11 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought a long, tough battle. Even when she was so sick, she always had her famous smile on and was telling jokes. Today Korrine’s battle ended. To some people, it might look as if she lost. However, I believe Korrine finally won her battle. You see, while she is no longer here, she is in Heaven. She no longer has cancer and she is no pain. Korrine has her strength back and is finally feeling like herself again. I bet Korrine is swimming and playing water polo in Heaven. Today Korrine was made whole. He made her whole

I loved Korrine so much. I have known her for as long I can remember. Her smile was present in every memory I have of her. Summer ’07 Korrine and I spent over a week together in Phoenix, Arizona on a mission trip. Throughout the 16 hour (maybe longer) car ride, Korrine sat behind me. She was so excited to be on a mission trip. Her laughter and excitement were contagious. Even though it was incredibly hot and we often got tired of all the work, Korrine was always optimistic. The love she had for Jesus was spread to many kids that week. Korrine didn’t stop there. Throughout her treatment Korrine had a blog that kept people updated of her progress. She didn’t hesitate to thank God for giving her the days she had. She led many people to Him through her blog.

Death is something very hard for me to understand. As I’ve watched love ones die, it hasn’t gotten any easier. The death of Korrine is another that I just do not get. She was so young. Her life was so short. Why such a sweet little girl? I know this is the best thing for her, but I still do not understand. I will never understand until the day I go Heaven. Another great person who died from cancer- my grandpa- once tried to explain it to me like this: “life is like a parade. The only part you see is what you are looking at that very moment. What has past you don’t remember very well and you have no idea what is to come or how it will end”. To humans, death is the worst thing that can happen to us. We just do not understand it. We don’t get why this is the “best thing”. One day I will understand why He took my friend Korrine when she was so young. One day He will explain it to me

Just Like Her

After a fun night of playing cars, making brownies, and tickling, it was finally time for my little buddy to go to bed. We got his pajamas on, brushed his teeth, and read some books. He knew it was time for lights out and began to think of anything that would keep that from happening. When he realized I am really good at playing that game, he started to cry. He cried and cried. I tried to calm him down for awhile and then I turned on his music and slipped out of the room. Knowing my little friend, and how much he wanted to play, I sat in the hallway quietly reading to make sure he wouldn’t get up to go to the play room. I remembered when I was the one being babysat, and how lucky I was to have such awesome babysitters.

Although I had a few babysitters, there was always one main one. I loved it when she came over! Summer days were filled with all kinds of fun because of her. We played charades, and “tea kettle” (aka sardines for you normal people); we went to the park, and we made play dough out of peanut butter. We did all kinds of cool stuff. I knew I had the best babysitter ever!
She was my babysitter, but I also considered her one of my very best friends. She came over so much she was more like an older sister too. I looked up to her so much. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to light up the room the way she did when she came to my house.
Going to bed was something I remember not liking. I was probably so difficult to try to get into bed. When I was often still very wound up from playing, I remember her singing to me and rubbing my back. I loved the way it would calm me down. I loved when she sang me to sleep. I liked having her close to me so I also often asked if she would sit in the hallway and do her homework there so I knew she was there. Seeing her in the hallway gave me some sort of comfort. It seemed like she would do anything to make me happy.

Although I never ran away or locked her out of the house like my sisters did, I always hope I was good to her. I want her to have good memories with me when I was little. I think I am incredibly lucky to still see and talk to her quite regularly. She is still someone I look up to and admire so much. She selfless, funny, beautiful, smart, and can still light up any room. I want to be like her.