The Edge

With my heart pounding and tears streaming down my face I step to the edge. I get as close to the edge as I possibly can. My toes are curled over trying to see if it’s safe. It’s definitely not. I look for you, and yet, you are nowhere to be found. You said you would be here. I look as far down as I can without falling off, where are you? Should I still go even though I don’t see you? Wiping the tears from my eyes, I begin to back up slowly. I hear you. You’re somewhere but I still cannot see you. It’s hard to hear you with the air rushing past my cheeks. “Go ahead,” you say. I step up to the edge and look for you. I still cannot find you but in the stillness of the wind I can hear your voice. “Jump.” My heart is beating faster and I am frustrated that I can’t see you. I hear your soft voice again “go ahead, jump. I will catch you.” I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I have so much to gain, but everything to lose. I bend my knees and go for it. I JUMP.

Honestly...

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake. I was given an incredible opportunity to be an intern at the camp that I fell in love with over the summer. I accepted and then had to decline because it didn’t work out with school. I was upset but knew I had to do it. I returned back home and two short weeks later, moved to Riverside for school. It’s not that I don’t like it here, but sometimes I feel like missed out. I love it here, especially my roommates and friends. They are amazing and I couldn’t ask for better people to have in my life in SoCal. I really am so glad I am here, however, there is still that void in my heart though. I’m so thankful that because of my decline that my roommate Kira got the job. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I think I did the right thing, but the empty part of heart makes me wonder.

'09 Recap

2009 was one of my most challenging years. It started off rough right away. Unfortunate events from 2008 seemed to be putting a hold on anything wonderful that would come with the New Year. I made some very big changes in my life in 2009. I quit going to San Francisco State. I loved the school and atmosphere but nursing was going to be impossible there. I took a semester off school to save money on wasted classes and try to get my life together again. It was one of the most painful times of my life. As agonizing as dealing with life was I knew I could not give up. I searched for new schools and somewhere to begin a fresh start. Summer job applications looked promising and then fell through. Then I was offered a job at a camp in New Mexico. Working and living there is one of the highlights of my life. It is so hard to put into words what and amazing experience it was. I lived on my own for the first time, in a different state nonetheless. I had my first roommate, Kira. I was blessed that she was so awesome and that we got along so well. I had an amazing summer and the most amazing experience of my life. In New Mexico I was able to remember who I am. I really began making moves in my life that seemed like me again. After I got back from New Mexico I moved to Riverside, Ca. Not as glamorous as living at the end of the Rocky Mountains. I began my life as a pre-nursing major where I never ever thought I would even consider going to school, Cal Baptist. It was a rough start with my apartment and whatnot but it all worked out. I now live in a small apartment with 4 amazing girls. I am so lucky to once again have roommates that are so amazing. They seem to get my quirks and even have just as many of their own. I love that they can handle my sense of humor and definitely give me a run for my money. 2009 was an incredibly hard and trying year. Even though there were so many rough points, things like New Mexico seemed to make it so much better. I hope 2010 isn’t as difficult as ’09 but know the small things will make it all worth it. Here we go 2010…

Fail

It’s 12:30am. I’m up studying for a dooming final I have in the morning. As frustrated and tired as I am that this information isn’t sticking to my brain like it should, all I can think about it writing this blog. I’ve never wanted anything more and I am scared to death I am going to mess up or not do well enough and fail. Epically fail. It’s a realistic thought and it scares me to my very core. If you were to ask me how I really felt I might tell you I was nervous or scared but I don’t think I can get across how truly terrified I am that my dream will shatter. I feel like I have worked hard. So hard. I feel like I deserve it. I may not be the smartest but I have the passion. The drive. The dream. It’s what was meant for me and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me. The worst part, there is nothing more I can really do. Ok, now that that is off my chest, I need to finish studying for my microbiology final. Peace

70 People picked to live in a house, work together and have their lives changed...

Summer is over and school is in session once again. No more beach days, pool parties, or vacations. My summer consisted of none of those, and yet it was the best summer of my life.

You can read from previous posts that I was hired to work at Glorieta Conference Center. I spent my whole summer in the tiny town Glorieta, NM (about 15mins outside of Santa Fe). I left mid May and came back 3 months later in mid August. I knew I was going to be working the front desk but didn’t really even know all what I would be doing at the front desk, let alone know what kind of people I would meet, or really anything else.

I was picked up from the Albuquerque airport by the couple in charge of all the summer staff. I had never met them or talked to them. I only know he was tall and had brown hair and glasses and she had brown hair. I was scared to death of how it was all going to work. I felt like I was on MTV’s The Real World.

Needless to say, everything worked out perfectly. I was one of about 70 college students working on Highpoint, Glorieta’s summer staff. Every person on summer staff was so unique from the next. I loved each person there for a different reason. There was always someone in our lobby to hang out with or talk to. We were together in this journey.

Explaining how amazing this summer was is impossible to put into words. My life was changed in so many ways. I had my first roommate, lived on my own for the first time, lived in a new state, and was surrounded with complete strangers. Those strangers became my family. Together we had Christmas in July, Encouragement Week, Western Night, and a staff banquet. We took care of each other like a family. Micki (the lady who picked me up from the airport), took me to emergency without hesitation when I broke my foot. When we were excited we had people to share our joy with. When we had a hard day at work we had people to share our frustrations with. Day or night, we were there for each other.

This summer I met some of the most incredible people I have ever met in my whole life. They changed my life. Some of them I may never talk to again, but there are also some that I will be friends with forever.

Sticks, Stones, and Benches?

This is how it happened: I decided to bungee jump over the Indian Ocean. When the helicopter door opened and it was time for me to jump out, all the pressure pushed me towards the door and I hit my foot on the way out. Minus the excruciating pain, it was wonderful. So beautiful. When I got back into the helicopter my foot was black, blue, and very swollen. I had defiantly broken it. Ok, so maybe that’s not the real story, but it is way more exciting than how I really did break my foot.

The real story: My roommate asked for something while she was in the shower. I hopped out of bed to get it off the shelf for her. I, still being a pretty groggy, didn’t pull our bench out far enough so I could stand on it. Instead, when I went to step up on it my foot wasn’t secure and I fell, basically crushing my foot. It’s broken in several places and I have a sprained ankle. What a combination, huh?

For now, I do not need surgery, but they are going to reevaluate that in about 2 weeks. I just have to try and stay off of it so it can heal. Me, be still? HA! I also have to get help with just about everything. I need rides to work, someone to carry my meal tray, and someone to help me open doors. I hate asking for help, and right now that seems to be my life, always asking if someone can help me. They say they don’t mind, but I still feel like I’m bothering them. There’s not much I can do about it though, I really do need their help.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

The last month and a half or so of my life has been a little crazy. There have been lots of changes. It’s been hard to update because my computer is sick and I never knew when it was going to crash on me. It’s gone through 3 hard drives in a week and a half. In the short 9 months I have had it I have also had to have the battery and heat sink replaced. I’m tired of it breaking!!! It’s currently at the depot getting fixed and I am back to using the parental’s computer until it is back in my hands or until they send me a new one because mine’s a lemon. Anyway, back to the real update.

Back in September I applied for a job where I would work at a kid’s camp all summer. It looked promising. I had an interview in southern California and things looked pretty good. I was excited. Then I was notified I was on the waiting list. Boo, but I still had hope. I was asked if they could use my application for other jobs that may come up. Agreeing, I didn’t see any real hope and was still waiting until April 30th when the deadline for hearing if I made it off the waitlist was. However, a couple days after they sent out my application-about 2 weeks ago- I was sent an email asking me to apply for a job at a camp in New Mexico. Sure, why not? I filled it out, got some references, and sent it in. Thursday night I got a call from a very nice, southern gentleman who wanted to talk to me about the job. I talked to him on Friday and he was looking for a time very soon he could interview me. He took the words “whenever is good for you is good for me” right to heart and said “Ok, I will call you in an hour for your interview”. The interview went great and I was hired on the spot. I leave May 18th for Glorieta, New Mexico. I will be working the front desk at a huge southern Baptist camp. It will be a huge adjustment but I am really excited.

When I get back in mid August I will be around for a few weeks and then be moving to Riverside, CA. Yup, I will be attending Cal Baptist in the fall. If you’ve ever heard me talk about CBU, you’re probably really confused. I’ve had to get over my hating CBU. Not getting classes at SFSU was SO discouraging but knowing that I will get all of my classes at CBU is relaxing feeling. The nursing program there is incredible!!! The only one in CA that can compare with the simulators and other amazing technology is Stanford, and let’s face it; I’m never getting in there. As much as I once disliked CBU it seemed more and more like a perfect option. The nursing program isn’t impacted and I am guaranteed a spot in. Just so you know that’s HUGE! Finding a school that doesn’t have an impacted nursing program in this country is hard work. The ones I found were in Wisconsin, Montana, and Idaho, which are not places I really want to go live. I still have my concerns about CBU but it just seems like the right choice.

So, my life has drastically changed within the last month. It will be new, exciting, and a little scary. I am excited to see where my new adventures take me.