The Man I Never Knew

December 15, 1997 was the one of the first times I experienced real pain. I am not talking about stubbing my toe or even breaking my arm, pain that is more normal for a seven year old girl. This was losing your breath, stomach churning, heart wrenching pain. This was the day that my friend, my hero, my grandpa died. This was the worst pain I had felt in my short life.

Summer of ’97 we learned he was very sick. We soon enough found out it was even more serious than we thought. Stage 4 lung cancer. He went through treatment. He lost his hair, his voice, and little parts of him that made him “him”. On the way home from my cousin’s house one weekend, I was told there was nothing more the doctors could do. That my grandpa was going to die not matter what. Don’t get me wrong. This pain was bad too. However, the pain didn’t seem really and truly real until he was really gone.

Until this point I don’t think I really understood what death was. I didn’t really want to find out either. When it came though, it felt like a bus hit me. My small little head could not comprehend what was going on. To my young eyes, the world seemed to be crashing down. It seemed it should be ending. Despite what I thought, the world continued. It did not wait for my little mind to catch up. It did not show me that everything was going to be ok. It just kept on going.
I remember being angry for a very long time. Maybe I still am. I hate that I was not able to really get to know such a wonderful man; someone I truly admired. I was bitter and upset. I would pretend I was fine and everything was ok. It just seemed easier to do that. The anger and resentment was stored in my heart for a very long time. I think I just recently have started to get rid of it.

From what I am told I am a lot like my grandfather. I love hearing that. I think I got my love for music from him. He loved music. He loved to sing and did it whenever he could. I am told that I have a sense of humor that was like his. He must have been hilarious! He loved to have fun and play games. He loved to travel and experience new things.

While I only knew him for a few short years, I am so thankful for those ones. I have some wonderful memories of him that I would not trade for anything. One time when I spent the night at his house, I must have been making lots of noise when I should have been sleeping. I was in a room all alone and I remember him coming in. He started singing to calm me down and make me go to sleep. I love this memory. It is mine; not one I have to share with anyone.

I wish I had more time to get to know what a wonderful man he was. I wish he could have gotten to know me too. Hear me sing, listen to my jokes, and experience something new with me. I think he would have really like me.

Looking From A New Angle

Before, I could have told you at least a million different reasons why I disliked it so much. I was not interested, never had been and thought I never would be. I am slowly-very slowly- realizing it might not be as bad as I once thought. I hate that I am beginning to soften up to the idea of it. In all reality, it could give me everything I need. It would make me feel secure. Am I willing to put aside the rest of my feelings of disgust and “just go for it”? I am not sure. I am trying to be open; trying to see all the wonderful possibilities that could come along from it.

What Would You Do?

My heart is torn. I am so unsure of what to do. I have a friend, who along with me is supposed to be somewhat of a mentor to younger kids. They put on a good act. They say what seems to be right. When we say goodbye to the kiddos, everything that they said goes out the door. The things they told the younger ones not to do it exactly what they go and do. Hypocrite. I usually sit and listen and by the end of the night I am so frustrated that I feel sick. I do not understand how someone can be so hypocritical. It makes me angry that they have authority over these kids. This person has also befriended another younger person. They are not in charge of this one anymore. They have told the younger one all the bad choices they make. All of them; in detail. It breaks my heart to see this happening.

This person used to be a close friend of mine until they deceived me. I watched them do it to other people, but because we were such good friends I would not believe it would happen to me. It did. We still talk, but I do not think I can trust this person they way I once did.

If I told the person who is in charge of us leaders this was going on I might not feel so angry and sick. I might be good to inform him what is going on. However, any friendship that is left with this person would be gone. How can I betray them? But how can I leave things the way they are?

Whole Again

Korrine was an amazing girl. Almost 11 months ago she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought a long, tough battle. Even when she was so sick, she always had her famous smile on and was telling jokes. Today Korrine’s battle ended. To some people, it might look as if she lost. However, I believe Korrine finally won her battle. You see, while she is no longer here, she is in Heaven. She no longer has cancer and she is no pain. Korrine has her strength back and is finally feeling like herself again. I bet Korrine is swimming and playing water polo in Heaven. Today Korrine was made whole. He made her whole

I loved Korrine so much. I have known her for as long I can remember. Her smile was present in every memory I have of her. Summer ’07 Korrine and I spent over a week together in Phoenix, Arizona on a mission trip. Throughout the 16 hour (maybe longer) car ride, Korrine sat behind me. She was so excited to be on a mission trip. Her laughter and excitement were contagious. Even though it was incredibly hot and we often got tired of all the work, Korrine was always optimistic. The love she had for Jesus was spread to many kids that week. Korrine didn’t stop there. Throughout her treatment Korrine had a blog that kept people updated of her progress. She didn’t hesitate to thank God for giving her the days she had. She led many people to Him through her blog.

Death is something very hard for me to understand. As I’ve watched love ones die, it hasn’t gotten any easier. The death of Korrine is another that I just do not get. She was so young. Her life was so short. Why such a sweet little girl? I know this is the best thing for her, but I still do not understand. I will never understand until the day I go Heaven. Another great person who died from cancer- my grandpa- once tried to explain it to me like this: “life is like a parade. The only part you see is what you are looking at that very moment. What has past you don’t remember very well and you have no idea what is to come or how it will end”. To humans, death is the worst thing that can happen to us. We just do not understand it. We don’t get why this is the “best thing”. One day I will understand why He took my friend Korrine when she was so young. One day He will explain it to me

Just Like Her

After a fun night of playing cars, making brownies, and tickling, it was finally time for my little buddy to go to bed. We got his pajamas on, brushed his teeth, and read some books. He knew it was time for lights out and began to think of anything that would keep that from happening. When he realized I am really good at playing that game, he started to cry. He cried and cried. I tried to calm him down for awhile and then I turned on his music and slipped out of the room. Knowing my little friend, and how much he wanted to play, I sat in the hallway quietly reading to make sure he wouldn’t get up to go to the play room. I remembered when I was the one being babysat, and how lucky I was to have such awesome babysitters.

Although I had a few babysitters, there was always one main one. I loved it when she came over! Summer days were filled with all kinds of fun because of her. We played charades, and “tea kettle” (aka sardines for you normal people); we went to the park, and we made play dough out of peanut butter. We did all kinds of cool stuff. I knew I had the best babysitter ever!
She was my babysitter, but I also considered her one of my very best friends. She came over so much she was more like an older sister too. I looked up to her so much. I wanted to be just like her. I wanted to light up the room the way she did when she came to my house.
Going to bed was something I remember not liking. I was probably so difficult to try to get into bed. When I was often still very wound up from playing, I remember her singing to me and rubbing my back. I loved the way it would calm me down. I loved when she sang me to sleep. I liked having her close to me so I also often asked if she would sit in the hallway and do her homework there so I knew she was there. Seeing her in the hallway gave me some sort of comfort. It seemed like she would do anything to make me happy.

Although I never ran away or locked her out of the house like my sisters did, I always hope I was good to her. I want her to have good memories with me when I was little. I think I am incredibly lucky to still see and talk to her quite regularly. She is still someone I look up to and admire so much. She selfless, funny, beautiful, smart, and can still light up any room. I want to be like her.

Going Home

Dear Grandma,
It’s been a year since you went home. I still have a hard time believing you are not here. Sometimes I still pick up the phone to call you and quickly remember you are not here to listen to my exciting news. I went through graduation knowing it would have made you so proud to finally see my finish. As much as it hurts for you not to be here with me, I know you are so much happier where you are.

I remember when my mom told me you were in the emergency room. My heart sank as tried to face reality. I did not go into your room for a few days. When I finally brought myself there the nurse wasn’t ever sure if you would be able to hear me or know I was there. The moment I saw you, I began sobbing because I knew you would be leaving me. My heart ached because there was nothing I could do to help you. You hung on for several days, but when you finally went home, it was kind of a relief. We knew you were no longer in pain, that you got to see grandpa again, and you were with your Father.

As I think about you, one amazing quality about you sticks out. You were incredibly selfless. You never hesitated to offer a room to someone or cook them a meal. You would go out of your way to make others happy. You never judged and saw the best in everyone. I want to be like that. I want to make you proud.

I think about you all the time. Sometimes it makes me sad, but other times I find myself laughing about all the good times we had. I miss our times together. I miss the crazy holidays. I miss your silly jokes. I miss you. Grandma, I love you so much and I cannot wait until I can see you again.

For The Best Babysitter in The World

Two weeks ago, as I was wandering about San Francisco I saw Gavin Newsome (his wife was there too). We were both gazing around a little flower stand. I couldn't help but stop and ask for a picture.

Not A Good Day

Yesterday was destined to be a bad day from the time I woke up. Getting out of bed was exceptionally difficult, even after I pressed the snooze button twice. When I finally got out of my super cozy bed, I looked at the clothes I set out and I was no longer satisfied with them. A new search began. I became happy with the new outfit I found. I thought it would be a beautiful day in the city and my light yellow shirt would be perfect. Then, as I tried over and over to straighten one section of hair, I heard the weather lady say San Francisco’s high was 66, which means my school has a high close to 60 degrees. Let the search for a jacket begin. I headed out the door with my notebook, my SFSU sweatshirt, and a piece of hair still a little wavy. Traffic was horrible. It didn’t clear up at the usual spot. I missed the BART train I was supposed to get on, but I didn’t panic. I got on the next train and knew I would still have time to get to class. My new train slowly came to a stop, and I started to get nervous. I grew a little more nervous every minute my train was delayed. When I finally got off at Daly City, I went right to the shuttle. The line was the longest I had seen it thus far and now I was panicked and really irritated. By the time I made it to campus, it wasn’t worth going to class. I went to the library to read and do some homework. Then my tummy started to not feel so hot. Before I knew it, I was running for the bathroom so my classmates wouldn’t have to see my breakfast. I thought I was ok, so I drank some water, got some gum, and went to class. I wasn’t, I left class twice. The students in my class probably think I’m crazy. After a few more runs to the nearest restroom, it was time to give up and go home. I headed to the BART station. Then, I remembered my dad dropped me off at BART so I would be stranded at the Dublin station. I made some phone calls to see if anyone could pick me up. Nope. Finally, I got a hold of my mom and had to ask her to leave work to come get me. I finally got home, got into my cozy bed, and slept the rest of my bad day away.

FOR REALS?!?

Does anyone else have a hard time believing that I have my first day of college tomorrow?!? I certainly can’t believe it. I don’t feel like it is really happening. I’ve waited so long for this point in my life and it is finally here. I can’t wait to start my new adventure tomorrow!

Where'd You Go?

What happened to us? I tried to deny if for a long time; I did not want it to be true. You left. You said you would always be here. While I know life changes, I feel like you ignore me. I feel like I am the only one who makes an effort in our friendship. You used to seem interested in my life; now when we talk I feel like I am boring you. It seems like you have grown closer to everyone around me, but further away from me. What happened? What can I do to fix it? I miss you. I miss our laughter. I miss our friendship

"Happiest Place on Earth"

Dear Mr. Disney

Coming to your parks has been a family tradition for as long as I can remember. Your Magic Kingdom holds some of my favorite memories with my family and friends.

About a week and a half ago, I once again got to go to Disneyland, (one of my favorite places on earth) with a good friend of mine. We dreamed, planned, and made our dreams become a reality.

The “ding” of the ticket being scanned is one of my favorite sounds because it lets me know the magic is just beginning. For me, Disneyland reminds me that no matter how hard I try to act like an adult, I really am a kid at heart. I giggle through the park pointing out new and old sights. Seeing characters roaming around is also something I get weirdly excited about.

My poor little feet get incredibly soar, but I know it is all worth it. I love how one minute I am in the Jungle and before I know it, I am New Orleans. Your park has plenty of things to keep my busy mind tame. I never get sick of the rides, and could ride them over and over again (except the Teacups, they hurt my tummy). I love the wonderful combination of smells between ice cream, churros, and popcorn.

For me, your parks are truly my “Happiest Place on Earth”. I will continue to explore your parks for as long as I can. I cannot wait until the next time I set foot in your Magic Kingdom! Thanks for the wonderful memories!

Graduation!

Sorry I am just now getting to this…

I am finally a high school graduate! Graduation was the most surreal feeling of my life thus far. As “pomp and circumstance” began to play I realized my days of high school were finally coming to a close; that my perseverance through all my struggles was finally paying off. I was really graduating. Walking to the song I heard people yell and cheer me on. I was the first graduate to be called. I finally did it! It felt amazing. I smiled thinking that all the people who told me I couldn’t graduate on time were wrong. Every hardship that was put it front of me, I finally overcame. Graduation ended and I couldn’t wait to go see my family and friends who have cheered me on all these years.

Before getting to my family I saw the one person from my school that has cheered me on since my freshman year, my advisor. She was the one who opened the door and encouraged me into going to Vineyard so I could work hard to graduate on time. When I went back to Livermore High, she was the one who worked out my classes and made me feel somewhat welcome. When I saw her on campus, she always asked how I was and if I needed something. When I saw her after graduation I gave her a hug and told her “I wouldn’t be here without you! Thank you making this possible for me!” She started to cry and said “Kelli, you finally did it! Nothing else can get in your way! Make me proud!”


After that, I found my friends and family waiting to greet me with big hugs and great smiles. I felt I made them proud. For many, graduation is a sad event. Saying goodbye to high school was the happiest and saddest of times for many of my peers. For me, this was the most exciting time of my life. No one should be surprised that I am not upset about getting out of high school. This is just the beginning for me. The best is yet to come!

SENIOR BALL

Seesterly love <3

Girls
My Handsome Date, Chandler
I Love Flip Flops! (especially with glitter!)

SMILE
Getting My Corsage
Chandler and I
Don't Mess With Us
Princess Dress

Almost Done!

Today I began my last week of high school! It is weird, exciting, and feels totally surreal. It seems like it was just yesterday, I was in elementary school. Now I am going to be a high school graduate. I cannot describe how weird it feels that it is finally my turn. Today I took a look back to see how it all began.

Most of you know that high school has not been a great experience for me. It started rough due to the headache and I was told I would most likely have to graduate a year late. However, I worked my butt off to defy my odds. I am graduating on time! When I transferred to LHS I felt alone and it was one of the most challenging adjustments in my life. I know the only reason I made it through in once piece was because of my friends, family, and a wonderful teacher who always encouraged me to keep going. Thank you all! At the end of the year I finally made a friend and it stated to not be so scary. This year I wanted to feel like this was really my school. I think I have done it.

In a few short days I will walk across the stage as they call my name to hand me my diploma. I will have finally done it! I will have accomplished my biggest goal in life so far! I am so excited and happy to be finally done with high school!!!!

1 Week!

My best friend comes home in 1 week! I am SO excited for her to spend the summer at home with me. I love her and can't wait until we can hang out again!!!

GO GATORS!

It’s official! Actually, it has been for some time now, but next fall I will be attending San Francisco State University! I will study Child and Adolescent Development (no, I don’t know what I want to do with that yet). After finally sitting down and doing some real research about my different options, I loved San Francisco and the opportunities I may have along the way. I visited the campus, and fell in love. I could really see myself there. It felt like I belonged, it felt like home. My decision was FINALLY made. It felt like a humungous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I’m very excited about starting a new journey at SFSU this fall.

Not an Ordinary Thursday

Thursday seemed like an ordinary Thursday for me. Busy. I was onto my next stop at the first grade class I help out in. Like a normal driver, I stopped at a stop sign-how clever? I came to a full and complete stop, looked both ways, and then proceeded to go through the intersection. When I was almost halfway through I realized the enormous truck that seemed so far away at the time was not slowing down. He was going about 40 in a 25 zone. I freaked out. I didn’t know what to do and didn’t have much time to figure it out either. No matter what I did, he was going to hit me. I was sure this was it for the purple protégé and me. I closed my eyes, tensed up every muscle in body, and watched my short 18 years flash before my eyes. There was a horrible screeching sound, but no flip, no jolt, nothing else. I opened my eyes to see if I was dead or if I didn’t feel it because I was so scared. The answer: neither. To my surprise the enormous truck stopped literally a ¼ inch from my door. In fact he may have tapped it slightly. I didn’t move as the man in the truck backed up and maneuvered around me. He drove away apologizing and feeling very bad. After he left, I pulled to the side of the road, tried to remain calm, and I went on my way. I made it out with nothing but some stiff muscles and maybe a tiny dent in my car. However, I’m not sure I will take that route again.

So Long, Farewell...

Dear Headache,
I am so extremely tired of having you around! Today marks the 4th year of you being a part of my life. My life completely changed because of you- and not in a good way. Without you, I imagine that I would be completely different. I see myself loving high school, not being afraid of being too tired or hurting to much to hang out with people, and having confidence in myself. The truth is I will never be able to this with you around. Please, go away! You have way overstayed your welcome. You make me not feel like a normal kid. Normal kids don’t live in constant pain, have spinal taps or take medication up the yin-yang. Normal kids go to the doctors to get an answer, but I go expecting they won’t know how to help at all. I wish everyday that it will be our last together. That I will wake up and the pain you give will have miraculously disappeared. I am asking that you please go away; that you go and never ever return. I hope that by March ’09 I will celebrate you being gone and not be down in the dumps about having a 5th “anniversary.”

Peace Out,
Kelli

College Application Essay

As a fourteen year old, the last thing I expected was to have my life turned upside down, shaken around, and then dropped on the ground, breaking into tiny pieces. Almost four years ago, I woke up with the headache that changed my life forever. No one has been able to figure out what is causing my headache or what I can do to conquer it. My life was broken into nearly nothing, but now I continue to rebuild a little more of my life each day.

Through this journey, my headache has shown me the foundation on which I should build. This foundation is the personal strength I have found. It has taught me how strong and how weak I can be. I never thought I would be able to get through a spinal tap; now I have had three. I remember lying in bed thinking how easy it would be to let life pass me by. It was difficult, but I knew I wanted more than that. I am proud that, regardless of a constant, horrible pain, I continue to love life and have a smile on my face. My headache has taught me dependence, by showing me that I cannot do everything; despite my best efforts, sometimes I need help. It has revealed to me that I cannot have my life perfectly planned because it will change when I least expect it. I know what I can do, what I cannot do, and what requires the assistance of others.
The structure that builds on the foundation is my character. I have more passion for life than I ever did before my headache. I know how quickly life can change and that I need to always live life to the fullest. Though I always have a headache, I love to make people laugh. I live life with a zealous joy because, if I can brighten someone else’s day, I have brightened my own, too. I love that my character is completely different from anyone else’s

Finally, the last part of building is the paint, decorations, and anything that makes it special. To me this is my friends, family, and anyone that has helped me on this journey. Through all of this, I have learned who my true friends are and what matters most in life. These people have made me want to continue on and to do my best. They encourage me and make me proud of everything I have accomplished. I know that it does not matter what materials I have; it matters whom I surround myself with. They are what make me shine.

My headache has definitely changed my life, but I am so proud of the person I have become despite (and because of) it. While the rebuilding is often difficult, I cannot wait to see what it can become. I could have been a grumpy girl, who lied in bed all day and never graduated from high school. Instead, I am a passionate girl, who loves life, and who will finally be a high school graduate.

Props to Sherry for the editing!

You

Who are you? I don’t feel like I have ever really gotten to know you. I thought we had this great bond but then it slowly broke apart. I wanted to know you. I wanted to feel the love and happiness you gave. For some reason, I forgot who you were and what you did. I was scared of you and knew that I did not deserve you. What could I have possibly done to deserve your unfailing love? The answer: absolutely nothing. That is what I did not understand; what I could not believe. I became someone who not only did not understand you, but also did not like you. I am still this person. Somewhere deep inside I want to be wrong; I want to feel your love. Show me who you really are.

Here's to 2008

I have never really made much of any kind of New Year’s resolution; after all, I am still pretty young. However, considering I will be turning eighteen and all in just a little over a week, I decided it might be time to really think about what I want to make out of 2008.

• Have just as much walk as talk
• Not to be a hermit. Going out with people, because I will probably will a good time once I get myself there
• Do something that is generally out of my comfort zone.
• Get healthier
• Actually scrapbook- not just getting all of the supplies and stop because I do not know where to start
• Read more books
• Visit more friends and family
• Savor the moments with the people I love, and let them know how important they are to me
  
  That’s what I came up with for now. It is not a lot, but it sure is a good start. These are my resolutions that I will strive to accomplish in 2008. Welcome 2008!

Korrine

While enjoying the start of the brand new year, I could not help thinking about my dear friend Korrine. Korrine went to the doctor about two weeks ago with a stomachache; only to find out that she has a rapid form of cancer. She a very sweet 13 year old, whom I got to spend all my time with in Phoenix, Arizona. She has an incredibly sweet spirit and it devastates me that she is so sick. Korrine’s family has a blog to update everyone one of her progress TEAM KC. Korrine needs all the wonderful thoughts anyone can give her.