Why I Celebrate

In the business that the Christmas season brings, I so often fall guilty at forgetting why I really celebrate Christmas. It is so easy for me to take in the baking, the gift buying, and the traditions and forget about everything else. Sometimes, I even get wrapped up in the painful memories that the season has brought since I was a little girl. All of these little excuses though, are just that…excuses to forget the reason I celebrate. As a believer in Christ, Christmas is a crucial part of what I believe. Every aspect of the Christmas story and what it means for me blows my mind; there’s no other way to describe it. Let me explain:

A virgin gave birth to the son of God. In case you didn’t know, that doesn’t just happen every day. Some probably thought she was crazy, others probably labeled her a whore; only a few knew what was really going on. She was told her son was the Messiah, but in the moment of his birth I’m sure she had no clue of his plans because he was just her baby boy who depended on her for all of his needs.

One of my favorite parts was how He came to earth. The Jews were looking for a big political figure to be their Savior. He could have come as a king with all the money and politics included, but he did not. He could have come with the power of a storm or a forest fire taking over the world, but once again he did not. He came to earth as a helpless baby who was born in a barn and placed in a feeding trough. This was birth that had been prophesized about. He was the struggling servant they had heard about and he was here to fulfill these prophesies. The timing for him was perfect. The One who the Jews had been waiting for didn’t just come for them; He came for all peoples, people of every nation and people group. He came in a way so humbling that it’s hard to fathom.

Most importantly, it’s hard to look at this birth without thinking about the cross. This is the boy, the king of the world, grew up and paid the price for me-for everyone. He willingly spread out his hand and was nailed to a cross for us. He was killed in the most gruesome way possible. He saved the world starting from that tiny feeding trough all the way to the cross.

Without this day, all of the other things I believe could never have taken place. It is on this day that the world was utterly changed. He left the throne of God to endure the pain and disgust of this awful place. He did it willingly. He did humbly. He did it perfectly.

You're Not so Little Anymore....

My love for you may be hidden in the way I give you a hard time, but secretly I think the world of you. I have never been protective over anyone like the way I am with you. I don’t ever want anything bad to happen to you. I want your dreams to come true and for you to fulfill the purpose you’ve been given. You have a huge heart and I can’t wait to see how else you’re going to use it for good in this world. I am proud of you and the person you are becoming. You’re not so little anymore and as sad as that makes me, I am so excited to see where the future takes us. I love that I can make you laugh with only one word and you can do the same for me. You try and see the good in everyone and have more passion than most people. I can’t get over how amazing you already are. Happy birthday, little one, I love you.

Thankful for the Little Things

I wrote this last year when I blogged for my school. I decided I needed a reminder of it this year too. So with a few changes here it is...

As we all know, life sometimes gets a little overwhelming. The smallest things start to really irritate us and bigger things are just pain to have to deal with. For me, it’s things like my full hamper of dirty clothes, having a lot of homework or my computer being a little slow. They may sound silly to you, but on a hard day, these are the things I get frustrated with. However, this time when I was beginning to get irritated, I realized that I to be thankful for those things. Here are some of the things that irritate me and what I have discovered about them. So, I am thankful for:

Having a hamper full of dirty clothes because I have clothes to wear. I can pick and choose what I wear every day. A day never goes by that go without clothes.

Having a lot of homework and studying to do because I get to go to school to further my dreams. I attend a university with a great nursing program that is going to train me to be an amazing nurse.

My computer being slow because I am blessed enough to have one. Not everyone can use facebook, do schoolwork, or blog whenever they want.

My old sweatshirt with a rip in it because it keeps me warm.

The parking spot the farthest away because I have two working legs and I can walk. I have a vehicle.

Not having enough time to call the people back who leave me messages because I have friends and family who love me and want to hear from me. They encourage me and stand by me.

My alarm that goes off too early for my liking because it means I am alive. I get to do life again each day.

In Need of Some Stiches

This wound is the biggest I have. It’s deeper than any abrasion I could imagine. It’s gross and I don’t want anyone else to see it. I ignored the pain and pushed through for a long time. I even tried fixing it myself with a band-aid. However, something that vast cannot be fixed with only a band-aid. That only masked the wound and in the end has made it worse. I’ve done a very good job at hiding and ignoring it. Still, that has just let it fester and become more repulsive than it was before. It’s infected. For the sake of myself, I have to let someone look at it. The dirt and bacteria need to be cleansed and it needs to be stitched up. It is going to be painful and difficult to go through. It’s going to hurt, and people are going to see how deep and awful it is, but it is the only way for it to heal.

Starting the Wild Ride

Well, in case you have missed the memo, I've been accepted to be a NURSING STUDENT!!! Ahhhh! All the stress and worrying I have had about getting into a program is finally gone. I knew I was called to be a nurse, but it's so nice to show anyone who ever doubted or questioned that this really is what I have been called to do in life. Getting to this point has not been easy in the least, and the road ahead is not going to be any easier. I know it is going to be hard and exhausting, but I am so ready for it. I am so excited (and maybe slightly terrified) about what these next few years of nursing school will bring. It's gonna be an exciting, difficult, and rewarding journey. Get ready, it's gonna be a crazy ride.

LA 243

This time a year ago I remember exactly where I was. I remember how stressful a bad living situation is. I remember having meetings with our resident director and leaving feeling so incredibly discouraged. I remember contemplating packing up my car and moving back home because of the living situation I was in. After all the anger, frustration, and talking myself into sticking it out, I was finally moved into a new apartment.

I was so nervous to bring over my first load of belongings. Nobody wants an unknown 5th person in their apartment and I didn’t know if that was going to be evident in how they were going to treat me. I wanted the transition to be as painless as possible for them and for myself. As I walked in I was given a huge welcome from all the girls and remember what a huge relief that was. I knew this was going to work. I remember unpacking and how my new roommate, Jessica gave me the “low down” of the girls and the apartment. The girls were more welcoming than I could have ever imagined. They reorganized things to give me space, they let my life blend in with theirs, and most importantly they saw me as one of them.

I seriously could not have asked for better roommates. They were exactly what I needed. They saw the good, the bad, and the ugly about me. They were there when I was excited about life, when I was sick and puking my guts out, when I needed comfort, and when I wanted to break down and cry. Together we went through some amazing times but also through some very trying times. I do not consider these lovely ladies to just be my former roommates, they are also my family and some of my best friends. I know if I ever need something or someone to talk to, that they are there. They won’t just give me a sugar coated answer; they will give me the hard truth that I need to hear. The qualities they possess are rare to find in people. They are some of the most incredible and solid people I know. So Jessica, Tiffany, Desiree, Kristi, and Bradyn too, thank you for welcoming me into your lives with open arms and for becoming some of the best friends I have. You ladies are wonderful and I’m so thankful to be a part of your lives. I love you all.

A Little Nervy...

Tomorrow is possibly the biggest interview of my life. This is the final process to see if I will be in the nursing program at CBU. It decides not only the next semester and few years of my life, but also my future. I didn’t start to get nervous about it until sometime yesterday. Then I realized what a big deal it is and how much it really will affect my life. BAM! PRESSURE. I got nervous about the silly things like what outfit I would wear and if my mouth would get too dry to talk. Then I got nervous about the real stuff too. Will the things I want them to know about come across clearly in what I say, or will they be lost in my nervousness? Will I be the kind of nursing student they are looking for?

Good thing it won't be this bad ;)

Working with a New Look

Dear Blog,

I'm glad you're working correctly again. I'm glad your page loads correctly now. I'm diggin' the new look with the pic from one of my very favorite places! I'm excited to see what's in store for us!


-Me

Natural Response.

The term "fight or flight" comes from our reaction to our sympathetic nervous system. Without getting all crazy science girl on you, this is how our body runs or fights from any kind of harmful attack.

Outside the medical world, it's how you react to life. I've always been a fighter. I will fight for what I want until the bitter end. Even if I'm losing, it's hurting, or there's no hope, I will fight. I do this because I believe in the cause. I do not quit. With that said, this time around, I wanna take the "flight" option. I still in no way will give up. However, it may be time to just take a different route. For the first time, I think the one I'm on isn't worth it. I'm tired of fighting for something I'm unsure and not confident in. I can't go into battle thinking it's not worth fighting for.

Thunderstorms

Thunderstorms are no stranger to New Mexico. They make their grand entrances close to every other day (sometimes every day). The power they have is like nothing else. The roaring through the mountains is incredible. It literally shakes the ground of the Rocky Mountains that I am currently living in and walking on each day. The rumble reminds me of how incredibly small I am. Compared to thunder, I am nothing. At my loudest (which is pretty dang loud), I can't even be heard for a mile. Yet, thunder is heard from miles and and miles away. At my highest jump, I couldn't be felt 3 feet away. You can feel the roll of thunder for miles as well. It's pretty amazing to me. Even though I am so small, I am seen as utter greatness in His eyes.

Thunder also reminds me how great God is. In Job, His voice is compared to thunder. How though it is so powerful, it is majestic.

"After that comes the sound of his roar; he thunders with his majestic voice. When his voice resounds, he holds nothing back. God's voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding." Job 37:4-5"

Although he is good, His power is scary. There is absolutely no way we can control it and i think that's part of what makes it so unnerving. Just like thunder.

What Do I Know Of Holy?

HOLY: exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness.

I know nothing about being this. I am far from goodness OR righteousness. I'll be the first to admit my life has been far, very far from perfection. I recognize that it will never be perfect. As amazing as it would be to have a perfect life, I'm am completely OK with it not being that way. It allows me to find myself. It allows me to grasp the little I can of what being holy really and truly is. It allows to passionately seek the one who is holy.

Inspired by "What do I know of Holy?'

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees


What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?

Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

-Addison Road

Another Home

I really have a lot to write about. Between finals, packing my apartment, leaving Riverside, being home for a week, and going to New Mexico, my life has seemed like a giant whirlwind. Let’s start with being back in New Mexico. I am once again working in Glorieta, Nm for the summer. Really, there is no place like it anywhere. I never get tired of seeing the majestic mountains or sunsets. The rain and thunder storms are amazing and never cease to amaze me. I’m back with many of the full time staff and even other summer staffers that I grew to love last year. I was welcomed back immediately by my little 5 year old friend who knew exactly who I was. She knew she could count on me to let her color in my coloring book or play with her just about any time.

When I’m here, I feel so good. Good about who I am and what I’m doing in life. I feel connected to this place. In a weird way, I feel like I’m home. No matter how long it’s been since my last visit I will be welcomed back with open arms. I’m so comfortable here. I know the grounds, I know who to call if I have a problem, I know that I will always be taken care of here. Even though I am nowhere close to my actual home or family, being here just feels right.

Needin' Some Z's

It’s 1:40 in the morning, why can’t I go to sleep? The sound of the train and my fan should be lulling me to sleep and somehow I’m still wide freaking awake. Not being able to go to sleep is so frustrating. I’ve listened to music and read; things that usually help me go to sleep, but they are just aiding the insomnia tonight. I guess I know what’s keeping me awake, the stress and incredibly uneasy feeling I’ve had is finally catching up to me. Being uneasy and not at peace with life is probably one of the most disturbing feelings. At first I noticed it was on my mind a lot more. Then it was in my thoughts a little bit more. Now, I can’t think of anything but it. I’m just not comfortable with the decision. Not only is it internally painful, but now it’s keeping me awake. Awesome. Tough decisions need to be made and feelings may be hurt, both which are things I generally try to avoid at all costs. Ugh. When it’s done, the weight inside me will be lifted and I will finally be able to catch some Z’s.

Fear of Losing It

Needless to say, I have been pretty horrible at blogging lately. My love for writing has not changed, it’s just every time I go to write the thoughts that overflow my mind I am not ready to put to paper yet. I feel like things are real once they are there for the world to see. I need to push through the “writer’s block” and keep going. Just a little at a time. I fear if I stop that I may lose my love for writing. I will lose a part of who I am. So, with that said, more blogs are soon to come.

The Edge

With my heart pounding and tears streaming down my face I step to the edge. I get as close to the edge as I possibly can. My toes are curled over trying to see if it’s safe. It’s definitely not. I look for you, and yet, you are nowhere to be found. You said you would be here. I look as far down as I can without falling off, where are you? Should I still go even though I don’t see you? Wiping the tears from my eyes, I begin to back up slowly. I hear you. You’re somewhere but I still cannot see you. It’s hard to hear you with the air rushing past my cheeks. “Go ahead,” you say. I step up to the edge and look for you. I still cannot find you but in the stillness of the wind I can hear your voice. “Jump.” My heart is beating faster and I am frustrated that I can’t see you. I hear your soft voice again “go ahead, jump. I will catch you.” I close my eyes and grit my teeth. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I have so much to gain, but everything to lose. I bend my knees and go for it. I JUMP.

Honestly...

Sometimes I think I made a huge mistake. I was given an incredible opportunity to be an intern at the camp that I fell in love with over the summer. I accepted and then had to decline because it didn’t work out with school. I was upset but knew I had to do it. I returned back home and two short weeks later, moved to Riverside for school. It’s not that I don’t like it here, but sometimes I feel like missed out. I love it here, especially my roommates and friends. They are amazing and I couldn’t ask for better people to have in my life in SoCal. I really am so glad I am here, however, there is still that void in my heart though. I’m so thankful that because of my decline that my roommate Kira got the job. I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. I think I did the right thing, but the empty part of heart makes me wonder.

'09 Recap

2009 was one of my most challenging years. It started off rough right away. Unfortunate events from 2008 seemed to be putting a hold on anything wonderful that would come with the New Year. I made some very big changes in my life in 2009. I quit going to San Francisco State. I loved the school and atmosphere but nursing was going to be impossible there. I took a semester off school to save money on wasted classes and try to get my life together again. It was one of the most painful times of my life. As agonizing as dealing with life was I knew I could not give up. I searched for new schools and somewhere to begin a fresh start. Summer job applications looked promising and then fell through. Then I was offered a job at a camp in New Mexico. Working and living there is one of the highlights of my life. It is so hard to put into words what and amazing experience it was. I lived on my own for the first time, in a different state nonetheless. I had my first roommate, Kira. I was blessed that she was so awesome and that we got along so well. I had an amazing summer and the most amazing experience of my life. In New Mexico I was able to remember who I am. I really began making moves in my life that seemed like me again. After I got back from New Mexico I moved to Riverside, Ca. Not as glamorous as living at the end of the Rocky Mountains. I began my life as a pre-nursing major where I never ever thought I would even consider going to school, Cal Baptist. It was a rough start with my apartment and whatnot but it all worked out. I now live in a small apartment with 4 amazing girls. I am so lucky to once again have roommates that are so amazing. They seem to get my quirks and even have just as many of their own. I love that they can handle my sense of humor and definitely give me a run for my money. 2009 was an incredibly hard and trying year. Even though there were so many rough points, things like New Mexico seemed to make it so much better. I hope 2010 isn’t as difficult as ’09 but know the small things will make it all worth it. Here we go 2010…