Missing Christmas

This Christmas was different than any other in previous years. I longed for the hectic Christmas Eve at my grandma’s house. I wanted to sit in the extremely crowded room, rip open my gifts, and reminisce with my cousins about previous holidays. Walking into that house you could tell Christmas was something she planned for all year. In fact, she liked to call me in September to ask what I wanted to for Christmas. When my grandpa got too sick to get a tree and help decorate, my family and I got the honors of helping her. She was always so impressed with the trees we picked out. While decorating the tree, she told us the stories that went along with the ornaments. I loved to help her at Christmas time.
Last year, we all knew she needed more help than she asked for. One day she called me and asked me to come and help her bake and get ready for the day she waited for all year long. Although she very confused, it was a time I am incredibly thankful for. It was a special time for me to be with her.
This year there was no helping, no crowded room, and no cousins. Instead my family and I had a quiet evening of going to church, having Strings for dinner, and watching Elf. It was weird. I did not like it. I missed my hectic Christmas Eve and especially my grandma.

Not ready

I apologize that it has been so long since an update. I have been crazy busy with college applications, babysitting, schoolwork, being sick, and having a ton of make up work to do. Considering this has consumed my life for the past month or so, Christmas has really snuck up on me. I started my shopping last Sunday (December 16th). Not good. On Monday, I found my self frazzled at the mall trying to get some shopping. When I finally found something, I realized at the counter that I forgot my ATM card at home. I searched my wallet trying to see if I could find enough money for the gift; I did!
The only gift I was really certain I was going to but was something online for my little sister. It was perfect! I knew what I wanted and even agreed to pay the two-day shipping price so that it would arrive in plenty of time. This was over a week ago and there is still no present. However, I did receive an email from the company for 30% off my next order because of any inconvenience (it expires Jan 31, 2008).
Last night it finally felt somewhat like a normal Christmas year for me. Rachel and I had our special little gift exchange, had dinner with my family, made some yummy treats, and watched “Friends.” I felt somewhat relaxed and ready for the coming days.
I hope everyone has all their shopping done and is ready for Christmas. If I do not blog, see, or talk to you in the next few days, have a wonderful Christmas!
Oh, just thought everyone shold know that Target already had bathing suits out...CRAZY!

A Little Chuckle

A kid in my English class was talking with this girl and me about how every couple of months he gets a really bad migraine. As I was listening he looked over and said “Do you ever get headaches?” I just laughed. He -expecting that meant no- continued on. Interrupting, I said, “actually, yea I do.” Questioning my statement he challenged me by asking when the last time I had a headache was. I politely stated that, “well, I currently have a headache that I’ve had for over 3 ½ years. The pain is unreal and it has drastically changed my life.” He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Still shocked, he and the girl started to ask many questions.

College Applications

College applications are due at the end of the month. I have started but my school will not give me a transcript, which is putting me farther behind for the deadline. I have thought about my essays but cannot come up with how I am so different for everyone else or how I make my community better. I also need to find someone good to proof read it for me. Needless to say, this is a very stressful time in my life.

Homecoming

Saturday was my school’s homecoming dance-the first high school dance I had ever gone to. It was my turn to get all dressed up. I started the search for the perfect dress, and soon enough found it. I knew when I tried it on that it was the one. It was dark brown, floor length, swooped to the side, and was gathered by a rhinestone broach (I love rhinestones!). To go along with my dress I got some pretty rhinestone flip flops (totally me), a necklace, some earrings, and my grandma’s hand beaded clutch. I was honored that I was allowed to take it. As I got my hair done and got all ready I felt so special. I clean up pretty dang well! I couldn’t wait till I started the evening with my good friend Sjadae. We soon enough had Macaroni Grill with some other friends and headed off to the dance. I had such an awesome time and before I knew it, the dance was over. Sjadae and I soon headed to our after party, consisting of ice cream and “Knocked Up.” My evening was so much fun; I loved feeling beautiful!

Blank Paper

Finding a topic to write on seems to be challenging for me when given limitations. I am perfectly fine when I get to pick a general topic or the kind of essay. This time it is an argumentative essay that I struggle to come up with I topic on. What point can I argue and show good support for? Sitting in English, my mind was at total blank. I felt totally behind because everyone had their topics, had done outlines, and a rough draft (things I missed on Tuesday, due to having the flu). While people were peer editing I sat and stared at my blank piece of binder paper. “Think about the passion you have for your topic when writing,” my English teacher called out. What am I passionate about? I seem to just not care. I may have an opinion about something but not a strong one; not passion. My final draft is due on Monday and I cannot come up with a topic on our first big assignment…fantastic.

On Friday afternoon I found out that my grandma was in the hospital. I knew it didn’t sound good, but tried to stay positive. Nothing could have prepared me for how bad it actually was. She wasn’t breathing on her own when she was in the ambulance and was put on a ventilator as soon as she got to the hospital. She got some kind of infection that was taking over her body and immediately started shutting her kidneys down.

Saturday the infection moved up and then she got pneumonia. The doctors told us that it was very unlikely that she would recover and if she did, she would never have the same quality of life. They gave her 2-3 days but said the medications are working against us and she could go any minute.

I decided I wanted to see her Sunday afternoon. It shocked me. I had only seen people on life support on Grey’s Anatomy and ER; it was nothing like that. She seemed so helpless and frail. There was nothing I could do to help her which totally killed me.

By Monday, we wanted some real answers and advice from doctors. They got finally got things moving and decided to do an EEG (which tests brain activity), more CAT scans, and a MRI.

Tuesday we met with some doctors that told us my grandma had suffered numerous strokes. Her brain activity was very low and it was bleeding. Now they said that her chance of fighting this infection was still very slim but if she did she still might not ever wake up, she would be blind, not be able to move her hands, wouldn’t be able to speak, and wouldn’t know who we were. Their suggestion to us was to take her off life support. We gathered everyone at the hospital to say good bye and at 11p.m. they took her off. We thought she’d last around an hour but it quickly became later and later.

Wednesday was very hard. I knew what was coming and yet didn’t want to face it. It was hard to realize that she never got to see my graduation pictures (she wanted a big one), she’d never celebrate Christmas with us (something very special to her), and I would never be able to call her again. I soon found myself at the hospital for over 24 hours, I couldn’t leave. My grandmother finally passed away at 8:30 p.m. on Wednesday night. No matter how much I had tried to prepare myself, it didn’t work. It is still devastating and hurts extremely bad.

Impact

I was thinking the other day about the people who have had impacts on my life: good, bad, whatever. People impact my life in different ways but each one is important. Each paragraph is a different little memo to some of the people who have made some kind of an impact on me.

I think it’s funny how you disliked me when we first met. You’re so unique and always amaze me, hopefully you’ll never stop. I love that people are drawn to you and that you always know exactly what to say. I hope you’re not afraid to be exactly who you are and that you know how much you are loved. Thanks for always being there for me.

We met when I was even crazier than I am now (a junior higher). I attached to you for some reason, but I sure am glad that I did. You quickly became someone I greatly admired. You treated me like I was special (I loved that). We don’t talk as much as we once did, but I am so grateful for the times we do; however, I am open to doing it more often. I still think of you as probably the biggest role model in my life. I cannot put into words how spectacular I think you are. I don’t think you realize how much of an impact you have made on my life, or how incredibly special you are to me. I can see the deep love you have for the people you care about, and can only hope you care about me too. You are truly amazing and I wish I could become half the person you are.

You’ve known me for years and yet you still like me, or so it seems. You understand me or make it a point to even when you don’t. You can tell when I am passionate about something and always encourage me. Your sense humor always keeps me laughing. I love our friendship and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

You don’t sugar coat things, which I love. You always listen. You remind me that you are always here for me when I forget. You seem to understand when I get distracted from life; yet you always welcome me back with a big smile on your face, knowing you were right. Thanks for being so patient with me. Your passion for life is contagious. I pretty much think you rock, thanks for being incredible.

You’ve known me longer than anybody on this list so far. I don’t think you know how much you have always inspired me, or that you have at all. You walk into a room and immediately light it up with the joy you carry in. I wish you saw yourself the way others do.

I’m afraid that our friendship is not going to be as fierce as it once was. It pains me to see you go, and I wish this wasn’t so difficult for me. I know it is best and that I even told you to go, but my world is going to be drastically turned upside-down without you by my side. I love you! Please don’t drift away from me.

Gotta Keep Going

I made it through my first week of school. To be honest, while it was hard to say goodbye to a fantastic summer I was ready to start my senior year-and get it over with too! I had high hopes for my senior year, thinking it couldn’t be as bad as my junior. However, my hopes for it soon crashed as I was in my first two classes. I didn’t know anyone in either of them. It seemed like I was the only one not already apart of these cliques.

I left campus that day remembering how uncomfortable I feel at school and how much I do not like being there. I feel I stick out like a sore thumb. I drove home upset, thinking about how I was going to have another horrible year. Later in the week I started changing my thinking. I thought how I hate being upset and how I could make things better. Well, I didn’t come up with anything other than trying to make the best out this year. I need to focus on all the times that are not so difficult at school. It needs to just be simple for now, nothing extraordinary. It will keep me going.

Note: My First thing to remember is that I get out at 11:25 every other day!

Harder Than I Thought

I’ll be the first to admit we’ve had very rough spots in our relationship. She’s made me so mad and knows exactly how frustrate me, yet she knows what will bring a smile to my face or a smart aleck comment out of my mouth. Lately there have been less silly arguments and more of a genuine fondness towards each other. I didn’t believe any of you when you told me that a day would come when I wouldn’t want her to move out so bad, and I would want her to stay and make forts in the living room again. I wish I had gotten over how mad I was and had listened.

Today she left. She’s on to a new college, in a new town, with new friends. I saw her life packed away in our living room and knew I had to go and that I needed to say goodbye. Ok, well I suck at goodbyes (who doesn’t?). I stared at her not knowing what to do. I quickly found my arms wrapped around her not wanting to let go. I didn’t think of any of our horrible moments together, just the good ones. For a second it didn’t matter how angry she’d once made me, it mattered that I told her I loved her. We looked at each other, with our teary eyes and knew it was time for me to leave. I shut the front door and tears raced down my cheeks.

No matter how many times she tells me she’s not, I know she’s nervous and a little scared. I want people to see the amazing qualities she has, and not any of her flaws. I love my big sister, and I wish I had realized it sooner.

Set Free

Dear Chains,

I hate you. You kept me down; made me feel alone, helpless, and completely numb. Not only did you build up huge walls around my heart, you also had me thinking it was okay for me to act like a person who I look back on, and it makes me sick. You had me thinking that what happened was my fault, and it’s not; it’s theirs. I know that now. I will never forget what happened, but I am trying to at least forgive and heal the wounds. I have been set free from the pain you brought into my life and I will never have to hurt that way again. I am free!!!

Neverland anyone?

I got to go to Disneyland for the last several days, and like most little kids, I think it is pretty much the coolest place ever (Target coming in at a close second). I get giddy waiting to enter the park. I walk through the gates and can’t decide where to go first; however, that dilemma quickly resolves itself. By the middle of the day my face hurts because I can’t stop smiling. Disneyland gives me the opportunity to pretend like I’m always going to be a kid.

This trip to Disneyland, I realized that I’m not always going to be a kid, that I’m growing up, and that my life is changing. No matter how much I don’t want to, I really have no choice. I used to be so ready to grow up, move out, and get on with my life. However, now it scares the pee out of me. Looking at my life changing so drastically in year makes me want to vomit. I’m not saying that I don’t want to graduate from high school (trust me, no one wants to get out of that place as much as I do). I’m scared of the part after high school, where calling up a friend won’t be as easy as saying “see you in about fifteen minutes”, and it will be more like “hopefully we can catch up for a little while around Christmas time”. I’m scared that I’m not ready. Logically, I know that it’s all going to be fine, but for now the anxiety has taken over.

Tired

For awhile now I’ve been trying to show certain people more than just my silly side. It hurts that I’ve know these people for a long time. While I consider them my friends, I don’t believe they’ve ever actually gotten to know me. I’ve tried to bring up intellectual conversations with them, and I am usually laughed at as they continue on without me. I hate that they treat me like I’m dumb. I wish they knew that I like to have intimate, deep conversations with people (where there is hardly any silliness). I wish they knew that I’m a total nerd and love to watch the news. I’m tired of trying so hard show them, I’m tired of proving myself to them, and I’m tired of them treating me the way they do.

Ready

After nearly 3 ½ years, 3 spinal taps, numerous CAT scans and MRIs, countless tubes of blood, and almost a million different kinds of medicines; I’m read for my headache to be gone. I hate that I’m not able to count on myself because of it. Without it I would be able to listen to loud music, I wouldn’t be struggling socially in school, and I wouldn’t have to live in constant pain. I want it to stop ruining my life; I want it to go away.

One of the worst parts about my headache is not that it won’t go away, but that they can’t figure out what’s wrong. There’s no sign of anything. My heart broke every time the doctors said “this will work!” and it didn’t. I’m ready for something, anything to work.

I started a new treatment called Bio Feedback last week. This week I was hooked up to a machine, had censors placed all over me, and was able to watch what was going on. The machine tells everything from my pulse to the amount of stress in my jaw muscle. I’m going to learn how to control different things in my body (like my pulse), which often helps with chronic pain. Still we’re still trying to figure out what’s wrong. I’m thrilled to start this new process, but I’m trying not to get too excited because I don’t want to get disappointed.

It Drives Me

Writing has always been a secret passion of mine. My English teacher encouraged me back in October to start sharing my writings in some way. Although she repeatedly asked me, I never listened. My thoughts somehow changed, and I’ve given in. As I was thinking about what to write, I remembered my teacher telling me to write what’s in my heart. Bear with me as I begin writing in a new way.

Last week I had the amazing privilege to go to Phoenix, Arizona with my youth group. Everyday I got to perform tasks doing what truly drives me. I got up, got ready, and went down stairs each morning to a room of wonderful people who were incredibly thankful for each task our group had performed. It made my day start off in an incredibly uplifting way.

In the mornings, I was privileged to be apart of amazing group of people who were responsible for painting the church sanctuary. It was a daunting task. If you talk to most people I know, they will tell you that I get joy out of doing anything for people. Even though I was scrubbing the baseboards (a job no one wanted), I had an amazing time. I was serving people, and that’s what I love to do.

In the afternoons, I was a leader for 5th and 6th graders at the day camp. They were so much fun and I remembered how much drama goes on when you are 11 years old. What really made me happy was a 7 year old boy named Nathan. I really got to know him when he stabbed me in the stomach with a balloon sword. We played swords for nearly an hour that day, or so it seemed. Nathan reminded me that I love kids so much because no matter how hard I try to grow up, I’m really an enormous kid at heart.

No matter how tired or hot I was each day, I tried to go on because I knew my emotional high of serving each day, would soon be at an end. Helping people in any kind of way is what drives me, it’s my passion; it’s what I live for.